. that darn mozlem .

 Remember this, this, and  definitely this ? 

 SubhanAllah and mashaAllah.

In the last week and a half five of my friends have told me or generally announced they are pregnant. Within a week, FIVE sisters!!!?!

wow

It’s all just happening back to back and I’m really excited for them, really….I am.

But guess how it makes me feel.

Sad.

Angry.

Desperate.

Teary.

And a slew of other emotions I can’t formulate into words. Oh and a couple of other friends have given birth as well. So I don’t even know how to take the good news anymore. For the last month or so I’ve been talking to a good friend of mine in another state and she’s been giving me the 411 on motherhood -at least as much as she can because we’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just not the same until you become a mother. Anyhow I know it’s probably a dumb idea to decide to have a baby at this point in my schooling and life in general, but really as difficult as it would be, it would actually be the “easiest” of the difficult times. I’ll be in school for the next six years and inshaAllah residency for about five years after that, so it’s not as if school is the barrier because it’ll be a part of my future regardless. At least during this time I have my family around to help. I know a friend’s older sister goes to school in a different city as her family watches her daughter during the week and she returns every weekend. That’s not what I have in mind, but if their “system” can work, then I feel like I can handle my circumstances.

March would’ve been the best time to “start the process”, I guess I could call it, but there are a lot of things I’m worried about. One of the major things is not having my husband around since he’ll be gone for about a year. Another is taking the MCAT and getting it out of the way before the baby arrives. Studying for the MCAT takes serious dedication and I saw how grueling it was during the six months my husband spent eight a day practicing. I doubt a baby can fit into that time frame. Another is my family….a serious bunch of wackos with more troubles than we can afford. But I figured that’s just going to be a part of my life with or without a baby, so I should be used to it.

WIOQWJENDMICWUFHIFSSSDDSHJKSJHFIOUEFUHW

ugh.

Sometimes I see or hear stories of people, women, doing all of it -everything from getting into graduate school and managing a household with X amount of kids and one more on the way. Super women of our time in all. And they inspire me because I can see it’s possible, so I want to get my own superwoman “S” on my shirt too, but doubt has a nasty way of settling in. Ya Allah I wish things would just happen so I don’t have to decide to do something or not. At least if it just happened I could deal with the cards I’m dealt…

I could not be more upset with myself than I am right now. Six days just flew by and I haven’t crossed out anything on my “Before school starts again” list. SubhanAllah, number one time seriously flys right by even when you’re procrastinating and number two, I wish I had multiple arms to accomplish all that should’ve been done by now.

I’ve lost my eagerness to write lately. I don’t know why, but I guess I needed an extremely short hiatus or something. Anyhow there are two things that have been eating away at me for some time now; one of them for years. InshaAllah I’d like to talk about it sooner or later, but I wouldn’t count on this lazy ol’ bum.

Other news entail a lovely spring break that left me with a false illusion that the semester ended. I nearly crapped myself when I realized I have a test next week.

It’s getting closer to the time that the hubmister leaves, but I’ll talk about that when the time comes. I’ll be gone for a while too. In fact in that time I probably won’t even get on a computer for other than checking my email because I’m told I won’t even have time to pee. Maybe it’ll be time to type while on the porcelain throne..but oh yeah, I won’t ever get a chance to be on one. I’m going to grab on of those rubber bags you can get at the hospital. You know, the ones you can pee in while you’re on the go….gotta go on the go typa things.

lol

Ya Allah why am I so corny….

Wow, this is the longest I’ve ever been away from you oh blog of mine. But it’s justifiable, I promise.

Now here’s my excuse list:

Last week (the week before spring break) I had my second (oh goodness…GOODNESS it’s only the second one) organic exam, which I studied my butt and more off for -before the week of the exam this time. Just kidding. There’s no possible way on Allah’s earth to cram for an organic exam. You have to start studying before the professor even gets to a particular chapter. Anyhow my friends and I studied extensively together and privately, so inshaAllah we’ll see what how much the studying paid off next week when we get back to school. Aside from the organic exam I had a history exam the following day, so while eveyone’s spring break began technically on Friday, I spent the all of Friday night talking with a friend after my exam, then sleeping for three hours and studying a half semester’s worth of information (13 dvds to be exact -it was a televised/ dvd class) for about two hourse before skipping off to my test. InshaAllah we’ll see how well that went, but it didn’t seem so bad.

Okay, now that everything related to school is out of the way I can get to the other stuff. Ever since 4pm Saturday I’ve been in spring break mode, so I’ve pretty much been a bum around in the house. Yesterday my sisters and I joined a couple of awesome sisters at their place and made echiladas and quesadillas and then loaded up on home backed cookies and store bought ice cream. No kidding, I always always always gain weight every time I visit their place, but dang namit the pounds are worth their company! We had so much fun and it was extremely relaxing for me to finally take a breath of fresh air -literally because we ended up eating the food in the backyard and dodging their neighbor who was having the side of his house painted. We would run to the backdoor and our picnic spot like spies or in all out sprints since we weren’t wearing our hijabs. Don’t worry, our picnic spot was nicely secluded.

Oh! How could I forget, the day before that my sister and I met up with about ten other sisters to fly kites and essentially take over the park. We brought kites but absolutely none of us could get the dang things to stay in the air and it was windy! I had no idea it was so complicated. So after a heap trouble and ultimate failure, we gave up and scarfed down bags of chips and pb n’ j sandwiches to overcompensate -if we can’t fly kites we at least know how to (over)eat. We spent a lovely day frolicing around and exploiting the jungle gym as a bunch of 17-21 year olds. Childhood is fun, even when you only impersonate it. Once the park began to overflow with mini people (real kids) half of us decided to grab a bite at the mall (which I usually hate, something about the mall makes me twitch) and the other half headed home. After lunch my sister and I went over to met the rest of our family at our aunt’s house. It was a beautiful Sunday.

Now my tidbit on spring break:

I don’t like it. I would rather not have spring break and end the semester earlier because in all honesty what the heck constitutes a weak long break in the middle of the of the semester? There’s nothing to celebrate. Besides Easter and some other holiday are about two weeks later, so I don’t understand this gap in my spring schedule. They (those who schedule these breaks or whatnots) did something this year with our spring break. As if it wasn’t a completely random break to begin with, they scheduled it at different times for different colleges and universities, so I couldn’t meet up with a good friend of mine since hers was last week. My theory on their different weeks is so that Cancun doesn’t over flow or something.

Now the highlight of my breaks so far, although it would be pretty hard to bet this:

Today I was at the second post office I had to visit because the one nearest to my house didn’t provide passport services, which I think is weird. All post offices should be, or at least I thought were, full service. Anyhow I was on the phone with Summer when I noticed this tiny bony chihuahua in the car next to me. When I look at what the dog was barking at I had to hang up the phone.

At first I noticed her magnificent main of hair worn up and held together with a stylish wrap; her classic look. Then I immediately recognized her face and nearly blew up in surprise. Oh. My. Allah. It was Ms. Carter, my middle school theater arts/speech teacher. But she was far more influential in my young feeble days than just in class. I look back at those days and there are many things I regret, but gosh, having met Ms. Carter was the best part of those years. She was my mentor, friend, older “sister”, and so enlightening to be around. We would go out to lunch and Chinese tea well after my middle school days and into the midst of my hectic high school years. She introduced me into the world of theatrics and helped me overcome any fear of speaking in front of people. She taught me that life is more than your friends, that family can be wrong (using the example of hers), and most importantly she taught me to be real with people and with myself. I lost contact with her, not to mention I felt that I would never ever see her again because I thought she moved to Chicago. And there she was.

We hugged and caught up and hugged again. She dropped a bombshell on me when she said she had a nine month old daughter, who is, by the way, gorgeous. Just like mama. We exchanged phone numbers and inshaAllah we’ll keep in touch. Maybe she’ll like tapoica. Wow. I still can’t believe that I ran into her and the most amazing thing is that it feels like it was just yesterday that I last saw her-as if I hasn’t been years. But she has that affect on people. She’s a beautiful and amazing woman.

Man, if I had decided to just go home instead of driving alllllllllllllll the way to the other post office at that time, today, instead of yesterday or even earlier this morning, I would’ve never run into her. SubhanAllah and you know me and “everything happens for a reason” (and if you don’t, then be aware that I’m all about “everything happens for a reason”).

Anyhow I got home and my sisters and I went on a quesadilla frenzy and ate …uh, too many basically.

Adios.

Its true what they say about finding yourself -you don’t for a long time.

You know, I always thought I had a strong sense of who I was and wanted to accomplish in my life. And it only made sense that as the years pass I would take the precious steps in discovering myself, but the world has it’s mysterious ways. I know 20 is young, heck, some don’t even think about who they are or what they want at 30, but it just seems that I’m not getting any closer in finding the “real” me. Although I know it takes a lifetime, I just want some kind of hint.

I often wonder what it is that fills others with so much passion for whatever it is they love to do or whomever they want to become and it sadden me a little bit because I still have no clue what will fill this void of mine. Although there are several things I’m good at, I can’t mold any of my talents into a career -even though  the circus would take me in right away. Maybe as a backup….yeah, the circus.

But there is one thing that I’ve always counted on. I’ve been med school bound since the day I was squeezed out of my mom’s va-jay-jay and so I never thought about a career outside of medicine and quite honestly, nothing really interests me as such either. In fact I’m either a doctor or a career hobo. That’s it. I really don’t have a backup and never needed one. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that somewhere along the line I lost whatever it is that gives me clarity in my intentions. It’s not about the money, it never has been. I could make twice as much in half the time as a major drug lord, only I’m not into that. I think the focus of having my parents’ dreams come true through myself suffocates me in regards to not having an option outside the world of medicine. But I know that’s what I tell myself to conceal my insecurities about the path I’ve chosen, or was chosen for me. Imagine your parents enduring the worst circumstances and sacrificing everything short of their lives for you to have the chance in achieving something unattainable to them -an education and a life. Now imagine all of their hopes, sacrifice, sweat, and blood being invested into what you do with your life. Considering the hell they endured for you, would you chose to live up to anything less than their expectations?

I’m not blaming my parents for anything, in fact I literally owe my life to them. I feel that I just happen to be the one they’re riding their dreams on. Like I’m the beating heart in all of the years of pumping blood. My sisters have it so easy in regards to their future. E, the cutest booger I ever did see has countless days to enjoy her childhood and S about to graduate from high school can major in anything her heart desires. But I didn’t have that option. I was born pre-med, went into high school pre-med, and got into college “majoring” in pre-med. And sometimes I like to think about what I would’ve -couldv’e- done if I had a choice. Let me clarify that my momz and popz never directly said “it’s medicine or death” to me, but I see it in my dad’s face when he talks to me about what classes he wants to take some day and when my mom comes home exhausted from a job she hates. They don’t verbalize their need for me to go to medical school, but they don’t need to. Their expressions and actions and back breaking labors scream louder.

I don’t mind really. I understand that someone has to be the person to “give the family a name.” As stupid as that may sound. But when your family is just another bunch of immigrants, especially without a college education, the children have to build the walls to their parents’ foundation. I have friends who, like myself, are venturing into their education to lead into their future jobs, but they don’t understand my stakes. Most, in fact all of them, are planning to become a doctor because it’s their cultural norm -at least one of the kids if not all have to do medicine. To them if you’re not a doctor, no one will want to marry their daughter to you, or you can’t marry anyone without an M.D after their name. It sickens me and  irritates me because it’s all about status in the end. I realize that it’s about bringing my family some sort of status as well, but the pressure is in the fact that I would be the first in my entire family to achieve such an education, just as I’m the first to attend college. All of my friends have parents with Ph. D’s and M.D’s and XYZ’s, so they’re the second or third  ”generation of success,” while it’s an entirely new experience for my humble family from Ethiopia. So as the offspring of once immigrants (we have the citizenship certificates, alright?), I have a tall order that I worry about delivering.

Nonetheless as I was saying it’s not about the money or even the status -that’s for  my parents. Personally, and I know how much of an annoying cliche this sounds, but I already said I don’t want to do anything else but medicine, for me it’s about what I want to do with the skills I acquire. Here’s my ultimate dream after becoming a doctor, InshaAllah: I want my husband and I to travel to Ethiopia, Sudan, Tunisia, Cambodia, Kiribati -a slew of poor countries- and help people there. I don’t want to have a private practice or join a hospital group because America sure as hell doesn’t need anymore doctors. I want to use my training for those who need it desperately not because they don’t have health insurance, but because there isn’t anyone with the skills and training to treat them.

I want to make a real change in this world and set an example for my children -all 18674 of them. Oh, yeah. That’s another issue. How am I supposed to have the large family I always wanted and still do my world wide medicine dream? Haul all of them around with me? What about normalcy in their lives? Do I want to expose them to so much so young? And how the hell am I going to be able to have the energy/resources/time/money to do all of this?! I don’t know. Is it even possible? I really don’t know. There are far too many questions and barely any answers. But one thing is for sure, I’m going to try because I’m greedy in what I want to do. I want the whole dang cake and eat it to.

My career and children are only the tip of the ice berg. I can’t even begin to explain the internal revolutions that spontaneously erupt as I venture through adulthood. Its amazing when I think about it. How can our hearts contain the momentous pressure of our thoughts and impulses yet beat every second of every day?

Even when it seems to be a beat away from exploding.

Dang. This stuff is hard.

It’s work and patience and strength and effort and energy you don’t have and more work.

Don’t be fooled by the starry lovey-dovey image portrayed by the movies or the sickening couple making out in the park. It’s nothing like that after the first couple of months. But it should be known or at least expected. I think I was caught up in the events leading up to and during the wedding and being a “Mrs.” afterwards that I ignored this aspect of marriage. But it caught up to me…as it will to you and take a huge chunk out of your butt.

Blending your life with someone else’s and morphing your personalities, lifestyles, attitudes, likes, dislikes -the list goes on forever- is something that takes years…and this is something I’m learning. There are things  you’re going to have to suck up and just deal with and the list seems to grow at an irritating rate.

And you can’t change him/her. You really can’t. It’s like trying to chew through a brick wall with your bare teeth. You can try, but it’ll destroy your teeth before you make any progress.

You discover things about yourself that you didn’t know…or wish you didn’t know. I, personally, discovered that it ain’t about me. What?…really?…I have to consider your feelings too? Oh, that’s right…we’re an item now, so I guess I should.          (I’m kidding)

Money is always a concern whether you have you it or not, but more when not.

Your feelings fluctuate and get this….it’s normal. I thought, well assumed, that when you’re married your feelings/love for one another stays the same. Pppssssshht. If things aren’t getting done, then there’s trouble -simple. There’s no room for excuses and plenty of room for arguments in that case.

Fun couple time seems to diminish as life gets in the way and before you know it you’re an old boring pair.

What do you want to do Friday night?

Uh, I dunno.

Some tapioca and a movie?

Okay!

Friday night you’re in bed by 8. No tapioca. No movie. Too tired to go out.

Sometimes family is a barrier and that’s the truth. Although they’re never in the way when you need them…only when you don’t and they’re always there.

Sometimes pretending gets you to where you need to be. That can mean however you interpret it.

It can be hard to remember the good times and forget the bad ones for some reason. Or maybe we’re just negative pessimistic beings. Or maybe I am.

People change…he isn’t the guy or she isn’t the girl you married. This new person is not who you envisioned, but hey, it comes as a package deal and too bad you can’t throw away the parts you don’t like.

It’s a psychological work out sometimes. Other times you need a physical workout. Marriage always an emotional workout.

I’m starting to see the true accomplishment it really is for people to be married for a kazillion years because with divorce becoming as common as going to the bathroom, it’s a notable feat when a pair has been together for so long. Because like I said, this stuff is hard.

Word to the wise: don’t be sucka’d… it’s not a cup of tea

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle said, “When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, “My Mercy overpowers My Anger.”

It’s such a simple phrase, but it’s incredibly overwhelming. I read it and had to take a long deep breath because it’s such a reassuring promise that I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t feel relief and an insane urge to bow down and ask for forgiveness.

Sometimes I’m lost in my world of school, studying, to-do’s, wifework, and everyday stresses that distract me from the one thing that can truly calm me down and bring stability back into my life -Allah. And when I read a hadith like the one above I feel such a cluster of emotions that I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I cry? I do feel like crying for my countless sins, not even considering the ones I’m unaware of. Should I be happy? I’m blessed beyond anything in this world to be a muslim, to know my identity, to have a way of life, and to have such a merciful Lord. Should I stop what I’m doing and ask Allah for His mercy on my parents, my husband, my mom/dad in-law, my family, my friends, the ummah, and me? I don’t know. I feel more emotions than I can put into actions and they occur faster than I can capture them. I think it’s the guilt and the desperate need for His approval and forgiveness that makes my heart take a deep breath half full with worry and half full with relief.

When I was in my pre-tween years and not such a ”young adult” I used to talk to Allah as if He was someone I befriended. I would speak to him and tell him about my day, what I felt, and about my aspirations and hopes. I knew he already knew them, but voicing my duaa out loud and to putting them in a mix of colloquial speech with the humility one should have in facing their Lord helped me keep Him in my thoughts and that helped me feel at peace. I would mentally jot notes notes of what I wanted to talk about with Him at the end of my day and before laying down to sleep, I’d stay up talking to Him for 15, 20, sometimes 30 minutes. I put my heart and soul into it because it was an indescribably special time between me and my Lord. Our special time without a mediator.

Slowly, but surely I become too busy to talk. I’d make my essential duaa and be knocked out after a long day. Sadly, it reached a point in which I’d forget to make my nightly duaas and other times the night turned into morning without me ever getting to bed at all, let alone speak to Allah. Now older and independent for the most part, I am more in need of Him than ever before. The older I get, the more I want to -need to- schedule my nightly duaas.

Reading the aforementioned hadith reminds me of my volatile teenage years where the bulk of my guilt originates. I was mean and angry and oppressing, not at school, but to those I loved the most because I hated who I was and didn’t have an outlet. The treacherous halls of middle school and high school leave us with scars and battle wounds we’re unable to mend without His guidance. It was a time in which my eman was tested the most and with the hardest questions; I so desperately wish I could change this and that about my younger youth, but am thankful for the lessons I learned, the hard way and not.

So to read and know and believe and feel that His mercy outweighs His anger is what instills the glimmer of hope that I -that we- still have a chance to achieve His favor.

SubhanAllah.

Well it’s finally March. Not that there’s anything particularly going on during this month, but it does mark the midpoint of the semester. And I can not wait to be over with this semester. I really, really can’t.

Quite honestly, I don’t have anything spilling out of my profound fountain of wisdom (…pppphhhssssssstt) or incredibly embarrassing stories to tell. My days have been ordinarily consumed with to-do lists that I only halfway accomplish because who actually gets to cross out everything on those lists anyway.  Heck, I might have to start writing simple things down to make myself feel better.

Wake up -check

pee -check

Brush teeth and eat breakfast -check

pee again -check

Today was the day of that Al Maghrib exam that I was telling you about in the post right beneath this one. Yesterday my sister and I headed over to our friend’s house to do some studying only to spend 6 and 1/2 not studying and about 30 minutes trying to study. After leaving I decided I wasn’t going to look at the book until 6 am this morning. You bettah’ belive that never happened. Infact I was supposed to stay awake after fajr, but with me, I compensate the five mintues I wake up to pray fajr with three hours of sleep, so I went back to bed and didn’t wake up until my friend called me and I pretended like I was awake the whole time.

Studying? Yeah, yeah…since uh, like…uh….yeah…studying…

Anyhow I was in the limbo of whether or not to take the dang thing because although they say its mandatory, barely anyone shows up. So I took the exam and guess what? It was easy. I was surprised, infact I was a little weirded out because I wasn’t planning on answering the essay question (yeah I know that sounds bad, especially since it worth something like 30 points) and it was easy enough for me to put something down.

Blah. No more exam talk. It’s sickening.

Speaking of sick, E is actually sick today. And I say “actually” because she’s been claiming she was sick since Friday only she wasn’t. I think she pretended so hard and for so long that she made her body believe she’s ill. The little booger came home on Friday claiming “Ok, feel my head, isn’t it a little hot?” when it was actually normal and she definitely didn’t want to take any real medicine ”You, see I’m getting sick…I’m going to need to rest and that bubble gum flavored medicine again” We ignored her the whole time and now she’s actually has a light fever.

She pulled it off. Getting sick by the sheer will of wanting to be. Nah, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt; she’s actually petty when she’s not well.

I’m getting old I guess because I can’t stay up like I used to. I’m typing with one eye closed and the other half open….imagine a drugged …a drugged something.

Heck I can’t even think right now.

This post is a little scatterbrained especially since my mind is in 9275839 different places at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about Organic alot and that’s only because I’ve been spending time on it everyday, so yeah you get the connection. I was in class today and I noticed something in my professor that I hadn’t realized before -she genuinely loves this stuff. I find Orgo interesting, but certainly can’t see myself even thinking about it after my MCAT if I don’t ever have to, but since I filled in my notes before class I noticed her behaviorism and so on. Firstly I think she’s adorable in a little-lady-with-the-big-brain kind of way and she’s super nice. Although the class is dead silent in a coma, she’s retains her enthusiasm for teaching Organic Chem. More power to ya, Dr. Brainy (that’s not her real name, but it wouldn’t be inaccurate if it was)

I’ve resolved to, inshaAllah, stay away from coffee although the most I ever consume is two cups a week. But dang namit, Einstein Bros. just has such good coffee for such a good price. They’re going to run this poor college student (me) down.

Remember the cult I’m apart of? Well every time it’s study-or-die time I NEEEEED a cinnamon roll. It’s the strangest thing because when I fight the craving I begin to smell it everywhere -Do you smell that? Mmmmm, cinah-mon-roool. You mean the trash can?…Gah-ross – so I end up getting the “gourmet” ones from the vending machine. I guess gourmet comes convenient now.

 Oh! I was so excited this morning in my Political Science class because my hunch was finally confirmed today. Ya see, there’s this one girl who never smiles, never turns her head, never expresses any sort of expression in class and I don’t know why, but when I first saw her, I though she was pregnant although there wasn’t anything to really allude to that assumption. Then today I saw her walking to class, which would be the first time I saw her out of a seat and so as she walked by it was a no brainer. Punky chick is knocked up and showing. Like a maniac I started smiling reeeaaaally hard and got excited for her although I didn’t know her name or anything about her for that matter. So in the bathroom stall I mumbled to myself “I knew it I knew it I knew it!……WOWOWOOWOWOOWOWOWOW she has a beh-beh in her belly and sits two seats away from me!” When I got back to class, like a stalker I couldn’t stop starring at her belly for ten minutes. Ah, how luck she is.

I am in the deepest pile of poop for an upcoming exam. It’s the exam for that Al Maghrib class I took a while back and literally an entire notebook of about 200 pages to memorize (hah!) in a day and a half.

I hope my grade is atleast two digits long.