Its true what they say about finding yourself -you don’t for a long time.

You know, I always thought I had a strong sense of who I was and wanted to accomplish in my life. And it only made sense that as the years pass I would take the precious steps in discovering myself, but the world has it’s mysterious ways. I know 20 is young, heck, some don’t even think about who they are or what they want at 30, but it just seems that I’m not getting any closer in finding the “real” me. Although I know it takes a lifetime, I just want some kind of hint.

I often wonder what it is that fills others with so much passion for whatever it is they love to do or whomever they want to become and it sadden me a little bit because I still have no clue what will fill this void of mine. Although there are several things I’m good at, I can’t mold any of my talents into a career -even though  the circus would take me in right away. Maybe as a backup….yeah, the circus.

But there is one thing that I’ve always counted on. I’ve been med school bound since the day I was squeezed out of my mom’s va-jay-jay and so I never thought about a career outside of medicine and quite honestly, nothing really interests me as such either. In fact I’m either a doctor or a career hobo. That’s it. I really don’t have a backup and never needed one. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that somewhere along the line I lost whatever it is that gives me clarity in my intentions. It’s not about the money, it never has been. I could make twice as much in half the time as a major drug lord, only I’m not into that. I think the focus of having my parents’ dreams come true through myself suffocates me in regards to not having an option outside the world of medicine. But I know that’s what I tell myself to conceal my insecurities about the path I’ve chosen, or was chosen for me. Imagine your parents enduring the worst circumstances and sacrificing everything short of their lives for you to have the chance in achieving something unattainable to them -an education and a life. Now imagine all of their hopes, sacrifice, sweat, and blood being invested into what you do with your life. Considering the hell they endured for you, would you chose to live up to anything less than their expectations?

I’m not blaming my parents for anything, in fact I literally owe my life to them. I feel that I just happen to be the one they’re riding their dreams on. Like I’m the beating heart in all of the years of pumping blood. My sisters have it so easy in regards to their future. E, the cutest booger I ever did see has countless days to enjoy her childhood and S about to graduate from high school can major in anything her heart desires. But I didn’t have that option. I was born pre-med, went into high school pre-med, and got into college “majoring” in pre-med. And sometimes I like to think about what I would’ve -couldv’e- done if I had a choice. Let me clarify that my momz and popz never directly said “it’s medicine or death” to me, but I see it in my dad’s face when he talks to me about what classes he wants to take some day and when my mom comes home exhausted from a job she hates. They don’t verbalize their need for me to go to medical school, but they don’t need to. Their expressions and actions and back breaking labors scream louder.

I don’t mind really. I understand that someone has to be the person to “give the family a name.” As stupid as that may sound. But when your family is just another bunch of immigrants, especially without a college education, the children have to build the walls to their parents’ foundation. I have friends who, like myself, are venturing into their education to lead into their future jobs, but they don’t understand my stakes. Most, in fact all of them, are planning to become a doctor because it’s their cultural norm -at least one of the kids if not all have to do medicine. To them if you’re not a doctor, no one will want to marry their daughter to you, or you can’t marry anyone without an M.D after their name. It sickens me and  irritates me because it’s all about status in the end. I realize that it’s about bringing my family some sort of status as well, but the pressure is in the fact that I would be the first in my entire family to achieve such an education, just as I’m the first to attend college. All of my friends have parents with Ph. D’s and M.D’s and XYZ’s, so they’re the second or third  ”generation of success,” while it’s an entirely new experience for my humble family from Ethiopia. So as the offspring of once immigrants (we have the citizenship certificates, alright?), I have a tall order that I worry about delivering.

Nonetheless as I was saying it’s not about the money or even the status -that’s for  my parents. Personally, and I know how much of an annoying cliche this sounds, but I already said I don’t want to do anything else but medicine, for me it’s about what I want to do with the skills I acquire. Here’s my ultimate dream after becoming a doctor, InshaAllah: I want my husband and I to travel to Ethiopia, Sudan, Tunisia, Cambodia, Kiribati -a slew of poor countries- and help people there. I don’t want to have a private practice or join a hospital group because America sure as hell doesn’t need anymore doctors. I want to use my training for those who need it desperately not because they don’t have health insurance, but because there isn’t anyone with the skills and training to treat them.

I want to make a real change in this world and set an example for my children -all 18674 of them. Oh, yeah. That’s another issue. How am I supposed to have the large family I always wanted and still do my world wide medicine dream? Haul all of them around with me? What about normalcy in their lives? Do I want to expose them to so much so young? And how the hell am I going to be able to have the energy/resources/time/money to do all of this?! I don’t know. Is it even possible? I really don’t know. There are far too many questions and barely any answers. But one thing is for sure, I’m going to try because I’m greedy in what I want to do. I want the whole dang cake and eat it to.

My career and children are only the tip of the ice berg. I can’t even begin to explain the internal revolutions that spontaneously erupt as I venture through adulthood. Its amazing when I think about it. How can our hearts contain the momentous pressure of our thoughts and impulses yet beat every second of every day?

Even when it seems to be a beat away from exploding.