. that darn mozlem .

So it’s been a while since I’ve made a real post about what’s going in my world, but as I stated earlier, it is finals season after all. But I can’t focus right now so I though I’d stop by here…my internet abode where I can be a total dufas and not really care…kind of.

AlhamdulilahI just finished a conversation with a really good friend of mine who got married and is now expecting a bundle of joy. I love her oodles to bits and I’m sincerely, genuinely, whole heartedly, truly, truly, truly, happy for her and that she has everything she’s always wanted.

I love her.

When I talk to friends of mine who I see evolve and form this new and exciting life I admit I tend to compare what’s going on in my own life and from experience I can tell you that it’s a debilitating habit to develop -comparing yourself, your life, your things, your world -anything. Not to mention it’s an easy gateway for shaytaan to settle in and cause a plethora of other troubles. Although I’m so happy for my dear sister I found myself examining what’s going with me and I had the nerve to be angry and a little depressed. I snapped out of it quickly because subhanAllah I have so much that I need to be grateful for and things that I don’t even realize are major blessings in my life that I was really being just plain stupid for being upset with the set of cards life dealt me.

But I’ve always had this problem of comparing myself to others and in my mind I was never the better of the two, which spiraled me into a deep state of anxiety and horrible self esteem when I was in high school and still tries to wrap me up in it’s unpleasant cycle of self hate and unworthiness today. Although I’m older and alhamdulilah finally out of those agonizing teen-aged years, I can feel the familiar negative mentality creeping in every now and then. But it was and still is never obvious to anyone, even my closest of closest friends. In high school I confined in my high school councilor who I will always be grateful for getting me through my internal demons and in the end helped me realize that I was capable of anything if I believed in myself for a change.

On the outside I have a certain nothing-can-get-in-my-way-of-anything attitude whereas internally I constantly fight myself to believe it. It’s just a really weird plague that overcame me during high school. Maybe it was the overly competitive atmosphere or the lack of family support. I know it was a deadly tonic of a lot of things that were going on during that time from feeling like I was not smart enough to compete with the brainiacs of my class to my family’s own civil wars- yeah I meant that in plural.

And I realize that there are people who are suffering and dealing with far far far worse than anything that I’ve faced in my lifetime. Yes, I realize and remind myself that I’m not one of my many brothers and sisters dying everyday in Palestine or that I haven’t lost all of my family to the terrorist/genocidal Janjaweed group and continuously gang raped like practically all of my precious sisters in Darfur. I know. And I pray to Allah everyday that they received His mercy and reward for all of their misery here in this life.

Considering all realms of reality I am one lucky duck, but I still have my own reality and in that realm, I have my own demons. So alhdamulilah I’m grateful that my troubles are like the majority of people’s -not fatal. It’s my struggle with myself.

Alhamdulilah I’m an analytical person. At least I can step back from a situation to examine what’s really at stake and I don’t lie to myself about what’s at the heart of an issue so I can come to a real honest to God solution. I don’t sugar coat my feelings when it comes to my life because Allah knows I can’t live a lie or keep quiet if something is bothering me. I know it’s not a good thing, but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve; all it takes is to have a  good look at my eyes and you can tell something is wrong. It’ll come out one way or another. And I’m thankful for that.

I’m reminded of something one of my all time favorite sheiks said once. During one of his classes, he stated that jihad of the nafs is a life long struggle. That you can not win within one, two, or even a million lifetimes. It’s forever. When he said that so many things suddenly made sense to me. Why I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Why I try to do better, be better, but always feel like a failure. Why I can’t seem to overcome the negitive and focus on the positive. I wanted to scream out ” OH MY GOD. YES, YOU ARE SOO FREAKIN’ RIGHT!” but I just stared in awe at him like he was some tree of eternal wisdom or something.

There are a lot of things that I am incredibly ashamed of doing and coutless things, moments, and times I regret and ask forgiveness for. But I accepted them as my mistakes, big or small and I can’t always hate myself for actually growing up and learning my own lessons.

I feel better to know that I’m trying -at least trying- if anything to overcome my nafs and that I finally realized it’s really just a part of life. Most importantly, I’m learning that it’s only Allah I can rely on. Not my husband. Not my parents. Not my family. Not my friends. No one. Everyone I know or a part of my life is a means for Allah mercy and blessings for me, but at the end of the day, at the end of my life, it is only He who can and has helped me. Alhamdulilah He has answered too many of my duaas and calmed too many of my fears and troubles to make me doubt that He isn’t there for me as long as I go to Him. I love my Rabb and I fear Him, but most importantly I’m thankful I have a relationship with Him.

So yeah I still have my demons and I may have some of them for the rest of my life, but I’m learning. Although sometimes I still think I’m just a pile poop, I’m working on it.

And that’s what matters.

So the upcoming week(s) will be third exams/finals time and that means I’ll be away -as if I’ve been posting regularly anyway.

Therefor this is my excused absence for the next couple of days/week.

good news- the semester is almost over which means I’m closer to my graduation…in two years aka so long from now.

bad news- its that pimple sprouting grumpy irritating I can’t wait to be done with school time of year again…finals.

Our neighbors have a pimp daddy cat named Kitho. I’ve posted about him and his deranged ways before, but today I would like to announce, in the midst of birth aannouncements from friends and soon family, that our very own Kitho has become a father.

Our cool neighbors asked if we’d like a kitten a few days ago and as much as I really really really wanted one, I had to reluctantly decline. But you better believe that as soon as they (the kittens) can play outside I will stop by everyday. And gently stuff each one of them in my basket and walk away very slowly.

Below are a few pictures of Kitho and his little pimped kitty friend. She follows him EVERYWHERE and is now the mother of his kittens. I knew she was preggers, but no one believed me because she looked so young. They are knocked up teenaged cats as well folks.

So anyways, have a gander at this lovely pair.

Here they are sharing a drink. Kitho is the larger one behind the first cat. You know, surprisingly we or our neighbors never named his little friend. I think I’ll call her sweety for now because she’s super shy around people and treats Kitho like he’s the king of her world. Ah, so young and in love.

Awwwh, it’s like that scene is Lady and the Tramp when they share sphagetti and oops! a surprise kiss….except these two aren’t going to bump noses  as they bury they’re faces in the milk. Just a close up these beautiful cats. You can see that Kitho is much bigger than she is from his head size alone. Big headed Kitho.

“So hows about a little privacy, huh?”

“Alright thanks for the grub, catch ya later”

“That is so like him to just leave like that….he drives me wild, raaaawr”

There’s one class that I loath like no other. It’s the darkness in my days and the nagging worry in the back of my head. I hate you Organic Chemistry. I hope you burn in the deepest hole in Hell.

I HATE THIS CLASSSSSSSS. No one understands my disdain and utter frustration with it. I can’t even describe it other than it enrages me and wraps me up in a knot of anxiety everytime I think about it. Seriously..it’s just like Calculus 2….I will never ever ever use it in my life again (aside from the MCAT).

I hate you Organic.

And you know what? I reeeeaaaally tried my hardest, my darn tootin’ hardest, to convince myself that it wasn’t so bad. That it just takes time. That it’s “fun”. BUT IT SHOULD BURN IN HEEEEELLLL!

After the MCAT if I ever hear the word “Organic Chemistry” again I’ll have convulsions and projectile vomit everywhere…especially on the person who uttered the hideous words.

Ya Allah, why do I have such trouble in this class. I study for hours a day-everyday, review everything, try to get ahead of the teacher before class, do all practice quizzes and test, but nothing works!

what. the heck.

This is beyond frustrating. I’m just starting to think there’s something wrong with me, like my brain is extremely anti-organic. For the last two exams I studied twice as much for the second and made the same freakin’ grade as the first! SubhanAllah I was going to fall over in my seat. I wanted to yell so badly. I hate this.

My third exam is next Friday with the final a week and a half later and quite frankly I’m a flashcard away from giving up. In fact I think I already have. And to make everything even peachier the stupid final has to be cumulative from ORGANIC ONE, not even the begining of Organic Two AND worth something like 40 percent of the average grade.

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I don’t even remember what we learned for the last test, much less last semester.

Ya Allah I’m scared.

This is the one class that’s really killing my GPA.

I hate you Organic….I hate you a lot.

It’s so discouraging when you work really hard at something and no matter how much to give it your all, it does absolutely nothing to improve your stance. It just plain sucks. And my motivation is at a bare minimum, if you call doing it because I already paid for the stupid class and I have to anyways motivation.

Even just looking at my book makes me furious. I know I can do this -yes…yes I can -but gooooooooooosh what the heck am I doing wrong! Someone for the love of God tell me what I’m supposed to be doing!?!!?!?!?!

This class has given me diarrhea.

Just kidding, but definitely an upset stomach. Even pepto bismol won’t help me this time. 

Well I haven’t had a “notable quatable” in a while, but you’re in luck today.

So E takes a bite out of something with her k-nines or her “side” teeth, never with her front teeth. So yesterday I told her to utilize her front teeth and this is the conversation that ensued.

Me: E why don’t you use your front teeth?

E: mm mm (shaking her head)

Me: Do they hurt when you use them?

E: (in the most serious tone) No, I save them for biting people.

Me: …………..