So it’s been a while since I’ve made a real post about what’s going in my world, but as I stated earlier, it is finals season after all. But I can’t focus right now so I though I’d stop by here…my internet abode where I can be a total dufas and not really care…kind of.

AlhamdulilahI just finished a conversation with a really good friend of mine who got married and is now expecting a bundle of joy. I love her oodles to bits and I’m sincerely, genuinely, whole heartedly, truly, truly, truly, happy for her and that she has everything she’s always wanted.

I love her.

When I talk to friends of mine who I see evolve and form this new and exciting life I admit I tend to compare what’s going on in my own life and from experience I can tell you that it’s a debilitating habit to develop -comparing yourself, your life, your things, your world -anything. Not to mention it’s an easy gateway for shaytaan to settle in and cause a plethora of other troubles. Although I’m so happy for my dear sister I found myself examining what’s going with me and I had the nerve to be angry and a little depressed. I snapped out of it quickly because subhanAllah I have so much that I need to be grateful for and things that I don’t even realize are major blessings in my life that I was really being just plain stupid for being upset with the set of cards life dealt me.

But I’ve always had this problem of comparing myself to others and in my mind I was never the better of the two, which spiraled me into a deep state of anxiety and horrible self esteem when I was in high school and still tries to wrap me up in it’s unpleasant cycle of self hate and unworthiness today. Although I’m older and alhamdulilah finally out of those agonizing teen-aged years, I can feel the familiar negative mentality creeping in every now and then. But it was and still is never obvious to anyone, even my closest of closest friends. In high school I confined in my high school councilor who I will always be grateful for getting me through my internal demons and in the end helped me realize that I was capable of anything if I believed in myself for a change.

On the outside I have a certain nothing-can-get-in-my-way-of-anything attitude whereas internally I constantly fight myself to believe it. It’s just a really weird plague that overcame me during high school. Maybe it was the overly competitive atmosphere or the lack of family support. I know it was a deadly tonic of a lot of things that were going on during that time from feeling like I was not smart enough to compete with the brainiacs of my class to my family’s own civil wars- yeah I meant that in plural.

And I realize that there are people who are suffering and dealing with far far far worse than anything that I’ve faced in my lifetime. Yes, I realize and remind myself that I’m not one of my many brothers and sisters dying everyday in Palestine or that I haven’t lost all of my family to the terrorist/genocidal Janjaweed group and continuously gang raped like practically all of my precious sisters in Darfur. I know. And I pray to Allah everyday that they received His mercy and reward for all of their misery here in this life.

Considering all realms of reality I am one lucky duck, but I still have my own reality and in that realm, I have my own demons. So alhdamulilah I’m grateful that my troubles are like the majority of people’s -not fatal. It’s my struggle with myself.

Alhamdulilah I’m an analytical person. At least I can step back from a situation to examine what’s really at stake and I don’t lie to myself about what’s at the heart of an issue so I can come to a real honest to God solution. I don’t sugar coat my feelings when it comes to my life because Allah knows I can’t live a lie or keep quiet if something is bothering me. I know it’s not a good thing, but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve; all it takes is to have a  good look at my eyes and you can tell something is wrong. It’ll come out one way or another. And I’m thankful for that.

I’m reminded of something one of my all time favorite sheiks said once. During one of his classes, he stated that jihad of the nafs is a life long struggle. That you can not win within one, two, or even a million lifetimes. It’s forever. When he said that so many things suddenly made sense to me. Why I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Why I try to do better, be better, but always feel like a failure. Why I can’t seem to overcome the negitive and focus on the positive. I wanted to scream out ” OH MY GOD. YES, YOU ARE SOO FREAKIN’ RIGHT!” but I just stared in awe at him like he was some tree of eternal wisdom or something.

There are a lot of things that I am incredibly ashamed of doing and coutless things, moments, and times I regret and ask forgiveness for. But I accepted them as my mistakes, big or small and I can’t always hate myself for actually growing up and learning my own lessons.

I feel better to know that I’m trying -at least trying- if anything to overcome my nafs and that I finally realized it’s really just a part of life. Most importantly, I’m learning that it’s only Allah I can rely on. Not my husband. Not my parents. Not my family. Not my friends. No one. Everyone I know or a part of my life is a means for Allah mercy and blessings for me, but at the end of the day, at the end of my life, it is only He who can and has helped me. Alhamdulilah He has answered too many of my duaas and calmed too many of my fears and troubles to make me doubt that He isn’t there for me as long as I go to Him. I love my Rabb and I fear Him, but most importantly I’m thankful I have a relationship with Him.

So yeah I still have my demons and I may have some of them for the rest of my life, but I’m learning. Although sometimes I still think I’m just a pile poop, I’m working on it.

And that’s what matters.