. that darn mozlem .

thought I should catch up on this ol’ blog of mine.

I don’t really have any major news, just everyday ramblings. Alhamdulilah today I got to visit/help a dear dear friend of mine and we got plenty accomplished as far as her to do list. She brewed some Arab coffee for me in the morning (which is probably why I can’t sleep right now)  and when we returned from where we had to go she presented a delicious lunch as we chit-chatted about everything. I loved spending some time with her and, most importantly, to see her doing so much better than even just last week.

I went home to find S doing some domestic work, which is as rare as finding a 100 dollars in your pocket. But she did it to make mommah happy and I thought it was pretty sweet. Speaking of sweet, homegirl even baked a carrot cake for after dinner. Our own little Miss Betty Crocker in all.

So today marks the one week “anniversary” since hubmister left and alhdamulilah him and I are taking it better than I thought we would. Of course I rather be with him right here and right now, but I think we’re just getting used to the circumstances. Besides there’s so much going on, it keeps us busy. At least we talk as often as when he was here, so not everything is completely different. He’s forever my most super duper greatest bestest favorite beanhead with the greatest smile in the whole world alhamdulilah.

And I still sniff his clothes -which I plan to take to Lubbock with me this Sunday.

Dang it, I just realized I have to complete a safety training thing before this weekend. I hate these safety training lessons. When I was working at Baylor I spent four hour for three days watching the same un-updated cornyvideos from high school and my labs. I nearly passed out in boredom and bribed myself to make it through the “training”. I take bribes very well. Yes, yes I do.

I don’t think I’m even going to pack until Saturday. WOW! One thing I’m really excited about is the plan ride! The last time I flew in an airplane (besides just popping out my wings and taking off) was five to six years ago when a herd of classmates and I traveled to Bethesda, Maryland/Washington DC. I swore I would live in Bethesda one day although everything is nearly twice as expensive as lil’ ol’ Houston. But it is a gorgeous city with birds chirping beautiful songs very morning to gently wake you from your nightly slumber. The air was clean and you didn’t smell the pollutants of everyday waste. Oh, and people are friendly, like “Oh no, your car is in the shop? Please have the keys to my bran new car. No, no I insist.” Well not that nice, but you get the point. Folks are Friendly with a capital F.

Ack, I don’t feel so good anymore. I had Chipotle for dinner and something hasn’t been sitting with me ever since. It’s like this mild burning sensation in the back of throat and nose. Is this what heartburn feels like? I feel like I might vomit fire or something…

Nonetheless, I’m just going to sleep on it. InshaAllahI won’t wake up in a pool of gastrointestinal juice.

Ha. How disgusting.

Well the one single event/day I had been trying to avoid  has finally come and gone - May 5, 2008. It’s not really the day exactly, I never do anything for cinco the mayo, in fact I don’t even know what the date is for most of the year, but this year is drastically different.

On Monday evening my husband left for school in a different country. And believe me, if there was anyway I could’ve gone with him I would’ve -even it meant that I pack myself in his suitcase and surprise him there. But for so many reasons and too many details I simply couldn’t go and it drives me crazy.

It’s been two days since he left and I don’t know how I’m going to take it for the next four months because I already feel like it’s been four months. Although he’ll be back in August for about two weeks, he’ll head back for another four months and continue the cycle for a year and a half.

 I think I’m going to die.

SubhanAllah. Maybe you don’t understand. We’ve never been away from one another for more than two days, maybe three, maximum. But four months at a time?!!? Oh. my. Allah. My brain still hasn’t registered that he’s an ocean away. I feel like he’ll come home for dinner or walk through the door any minute and say he was just kidding about the whole school-in-a-different-country thing. I keep waiting to wake up, but I doubt I will.

He left on Monday evening and we wasted the whole day trying to settle some last minute technicalities here and there and before we knew it, it was time for him to head to the airport. It really felt surreal. In all honesty I was hoping for him to change his mind. To say that he doesn’t want to go anymore. To just not go. But I know it’s better in the long run; it’s for us and our family, so he really didn’t have a choice. But dang, this is not fun. It’s not fun AT ALL. I am going to whine and cry like a baby about this because gosh darn it, I love the man and I can’t stand to be away from him. Perhaps it’s immature of me, but I don’t care. It’s not like I express my feelings to everyone and cry in public about things anyways, so I think to rant here is basically my right, almost my obligation since keeping it all in will turn out really really ugly.

Like I’ve mentioned before I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and my mom could tell I missed him tremendously. Yesterday she gave me about four random hugs throughout the day and rubbed my headache like I was a little girl again. Actually she’s taking it pretty badly herself. He’s really her only son (in law, but whatever, we don’t use “in law” terms- family is family) and she’s worried about him.

When I got home from our goodbyes I cried at everything that reminded me of him -which was everything. He used to like to eat with this fork or is it that fork? It doesn’t matter, he usually preferred a fork! Waaaaaaaaah. That sort of thing.

I normally smell his clothes because, well, a) I love the way he smells and b) I just do that sort of thing. So this time I sniffed so hard my lungs should’ve exploded. Then I realized that I might inhale all of his scent at once and there won’t be enough to last until he comes back and decided to ration it out until August.

Am I crazy?

I’m not too proud to admit that I am. Maybe even a little obsesive.

That night I slept alone on my new firm pillow which wasn’t a big deal since I’ve slept alone before when he used to work overnight, but he would always be there when I woke up.  When he wasn’t partially snoring away next to me the morning after, it all become too real. Like I woke up to a really bad dream…that wasn’t a dream. To make matters worse, internet connection and cell phone service is pretty much a lucky if you have it, too bad if you don’t kind of thing where he is. But alhamdulilah he got someone to install a home phone, so at least I can talk to him when he’s in his apartment.

Goodness, I’m always a wreck when he leaves for a small trip or when I don’t see him for days, but my heart feels heavy and I’m not interested or excited about anything anymore. It’s been pretty hard for him too. It would be unfair to say that he’s having it easy when he’s actually struggling to get settled in and constantly stressed, just add the absence of a loving support system (in terms of being physically there) and I think it’s a recipe for disaster. But alhamdulilah he’s a survivor. And deeply loved.

Over the last couple of days I realized that I’m really going to be far too busy to even think how much things suck right now, so inshaAllah it will be August in no time. Time flies when you’re busy, right? And that’s exactly what I plan to do -stay really really busy. Oh, and try to be optimistic and not focus of the negative blah blah blah.

I just want him home.

Honestly I still get really angry when I think about our friends who live their lives normally and most importantly -together. We have friends who get to venture through undergraduate school and graduate school at the same time so they are in the same place in life and others who are out of school and beginning to build their families. But I feel like my husband and I just hit barrier after barrier. Alhamdulilah we have plenty to be thankful for, but I’m a pretty selfish and sometimes pessimistic person, okay? I just want us to move out and live normal freakin’ lives. I don’t want us to be separated for a year and half. I don’t want to still be at my parent’s house for another million years. I’m tired of people thinking that we’re not officially married-married because we don’t live on our own (actually I don’t care about this anymore, but I’m tired of the “so when are you moving out again?” question). I hate that no matter how I plan out my academic schedule for the next two years, I will not be able to see the hubzman for a year minimum.

But I need to keep in mind that most of our friends are married to people their own age and come from well off families. Hubz and I are three years apart and four years apart academically, so we will never be in the same stage in life, whereas most of our friends are. We just happen to get married before my senior year in high school and his junior year in college -so duh, we didn’t have money. And both of our families are immigrants with us being the first college/graduate school bound generation. I need to remember that we’re on a totally different stage in our lives than our friends, but it still makes twitch with frustration.

Ugh, I really don’t think I have the patience or strength to be handle this upcoming year of events (plenty of other stuff I have yet to mention), but Allah doesn’t give you more than what you can bare, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself. That and “after hardship comes ease” because I am really really REALLY looking forward to the “ease” part inshaAllah.

In reality I would love to show my I’m-sick-and-tired-of-everything face and not have people ask me what’s wrong because there is literally only one person that I feel comfortable talking about stuff to aside from my husband. And she’s in an entirely different state.

askhfowihldkshlalkgfdkjhsaifudhslkdha

And I know that things could be worse and alhamdulilah they’re not. But is it wrong to wish for things to not suck so much all the time? I mean, I hardly complain about anything to anyone and I feel guilty complaining even here, but it’s relieving to just say this all stinks -badly.

Anyhow as I mentioned the hubz will be back in August inshaAllah and when he is back, don’t expect to hear from me or see me (for those who do). I will not be available even for emergencies. Fend for yourself.

Ha!

Alhamdulilah, all praise due to Allah who has ended finals season and has let summer “vacation” begin. Man, I am sooo relieved that all of my finals are over with. I had my last one yesterday actually, but I was far too lazy to write about anything although there’s so much to talk about.

I don’t know how I used to make a post every single day and sometimes several posts within the same day; I think my record was five or six in one day. Now I forget I even have this ol’ internet journal of mine. Anyways, back to what’s going on.

My aunt is due with baby number five in about a month. I’m really excited because the youngest right now is two and half and throwing those terrible two tantrums, but gosh darn it he is so unbelievably adorable I can’t even think about being angry with him. Besides he really is a good kid overall. Anyway I read on one of my favorite blogs that baby breath smells really good. No, not that toddler breath that never smells quite right, I mean like newborn or infant breath. So that’s one more reason I’m looking forward to the new baby in the family. I’m going to get a nice whiffof his/her (my aunt never finds out the gender until its born -I just wouldn’t be able to do that) baby breath and write about it.

But unfortunately I won’t be around for the birth. In fact I won’t be able to see the baby until he’s/she’s about a month old since I’ll be in Lubbock for six weeks. For a vacation? Yeah right. Who goes to Lubbock, Texas for a vacation? I feel like most cities in Texas aside from the major ones like Houston and Dallas are pretty much dead, like Waco. With a giant haystack just rolling on by in the middle of the quiet ghost town. Or like College Station where the most exciting place is the college bookstore. Yay. Not.

But Lubbock’s not like that and I know this only because I checked out their CITY WEBSITE. I didn’t know city’s had websites. I wonder if Houston does. Anyways it seems like a normal bustling city with sky scrappers and freeways and stuff. So I guess I won’t have to milk any cows or saddle any horses, but I know I’ll be worked to the bone with the intensive summer program the folks at Texas Tech have lined up for us (a group of young adults from all over the state).

So I head off for this place in two weeks and in all honesty, maybe this sounds ungrateful because I know some people who would love to be able to go, but I am not looking forward to it 100%. At this point with the difficulty in getting the information to us and lack of more information we need, I feel like it’s kind of a mess over there. Like things aren’t completely organized. But that’s just part of my reason. The bigger reason is something I don’t want to get  into right now because it’s an entirely different post. But for the record I am happy about going, at least it’s something to do for six weeks, but on the other hand it’s a painful reminder. Ack, that’s te last time I’m going to mention that.

This Saturday my sister and I are going to meet with a couple of friends for an end of finals BBQ. I’m looking forward to it. The hostess came up with a great idea actually. Instead of just having a mindless good time and shooting drinks out of our nose from laughing so hard, she wants each person to prepare a breif five minute halaqa about something we care about and share it with everyone. What a great idea, huh?!!? Of course I’m not going to prepare for it until the day of the par-tay because that’s just my style, yo. After Islam, procrastination can be a way of life. I’m living proof of that.

Hmm, other news include just includes how ridiculously busy I’m going to be this summer, which is why I put vacation in quotation marks at the beginning of this post. I really want to just run away sometimes and travel the world on my time and do whatever I want without any obligations. I think people like Jeff Corwin and some others I can’t think of right now have the coolest jobs ever. I mean, this guy gets to travel the world, talk about it, preserve wildlife, share it with the world, do something he absolutely loves, make a real difference, AND GET PAID FOR IT! How awesome. I know he obviously had to work really hard to get to where he is right now, but boy oh boy his rewards are pretty sweet.

Anyways I’m getting a headache again. I’ve been plagued with headaches for the last couple of weeks and I have found yet another wonderful drug – Tylenol extra strength rapid release gels. Wow does it keep it’s promise. I really do feel my headaches  dissipate within a couple of minutes. Ah, I love over the counter drugs.

But I’m no junkie.

I’ll post other news later on.