It’s Happening Again

 Remember this, this, and  definitely this ? 

 SubhanAllah and mashaAllah.

In the last week and a half five of my friends have told me or generally announced they are pregnant. Within a week, FIVE sisters!!!?!

wow

It’s all just happening back to back and I’m really excited for them, really….I am.

But guess how it makes me feel.

Sad.

Angry.

Desperate.

Teary.

And a slew of other emotions I can’t formulate into words. Oh and a couple of other friends have given birth as well. So I don’t even know how to take the good news anymore. For the last month or so I’ve been talking to a good friend of mine in another state and she’s been giving me the 411 on motherhood -at least as much as she can because we’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just not the same until you become a mother. Anyhow I know it’s probably a dumb idea to decide to have a baby at this point in my schooling and life in general, but really as difficult as it would be, it would actually be the “easiest” of the difficult times. I’ll be in school for the next six years and inshaAllah residency for about five years after that, so it’s not as if school is the barrier because it’ll be a part of my future regardless. At least during this time I have my family around to help. I know a friend’s older sister goes to school in a different city as her family watches her daughter during the week and she returns every weekend. That’s not what I have in mind, but if their “system” can work, then I feel like I can handle my circumstances.

March would’ve been the best time to “start the process”, I guess I could call it, but there are a lot of things I’m worried about. One of the major things is not having my husband around since he’ll be gone for about a year. Another is taking the MCAT and getting it out of the way before the baby arrives. Studying for the MCAT takes serious dedication and I saw how grueling it was during the six months my husband spent eight a day practicing. I doubt a baby can fit into that time frame. Another is my family….a serious bunch of wackos with more troubles than we can afford. But I figured that’s just going to be a part of my life with or without a baby, so I should be used to it.

WIOQWJENDMICWUFHIFSSSDDSHJKSJHFIOUEFUHW

ugh.

Sometimes I see or hear stories of people, women, doing all of it -everything from getting into graduate school and managing a household with X amount of kids and one more on the way. Super women of our time in all. And they inspire me because I can see it’s possible, so I want to get my own superwoman “S” on my shirt too, but doubt has a nasty way of settling in. Ya Allah I wish things would just happen so I don’t have to decide to do something or not. At least if it just happened I could deal with the cards I’m dealt…

 

Cry Baby, Cry Baby

I don’t like to show too much, if any, of my true sappy-ness (yeah, I made that word up too, I make up a lot of words….you’ll get the hang of it), but lately it’s been harder and harder to choke down my tears.  I’m not one of those women who bawl their eyeballs out at everything, but something touching will water my eyes and if it’s that time of the month expect me face down in my pillow drowning in my tears, snot, and whatever else leaks out of my face. But to choke on my tears over a CVS pharmacy commercial? Give me a break. But I know what did me in…it was the dang song. Something about a beautiful day and then the bird flew by and a seed grew into a beautiful flower – that kind of stuff. Dang, so corny yet it had me sniffling.

But that was a couple of weeks ago.

Nowadays all it takes for me to bit my lip and blink profusely as I fight the urge to bawl is something related to pregnancy, babies, or kids. I saw a Flinstones commercial earlier today and this cute little boy in the most adorable voice asks his mom “Mom, do Flinstones go here?” and points to his elbow or something and as the commercial continues I had to put my spoon down and swallow my tears. Yes, you adorable little amazing miracle of life, …..Flinstones do go there…

Waaaaaaaaah.

I was thankful when the commercial ended not only so save myself from embarrassment, but to get back to normal. Although my “normal” changes from day to day.

It’s weird. I hate being so sappy, but I have to admit I’m better off than my sister who’s first response to confrontation or disaster used to be, if not still is, is to cry. When watching a tear jerking movie or something water works worthy, my mom and sister(s) -yeah, they got to the youngest too- are usually red in the face and one tear drentched tissue away from falling out and cry all over the place. But me? No, I stay composed -as long as possible at least. I may tear up, but I don’t (or won’t allow myself) to cry openly. So I suppress it all, the tears, the chokes, the urge to heave, and the runny nose -that one gets a little hard to do…you just need a tissue sometimes.

But I am a cryer and accept it as a part of myself. I can only surpress it for so long before it explodes one day and I spend the entire day or night sobbing into my pillow often confusing my husband as to what the heck is wrong. Nothing and everything is wrong. But alhamdulilah for it all.

Sometimes a girl’s gotta cry.

But nowadays it’s only beh-beh  related things that send me whirling into water works. It’s a crazy ride simply because when I was obsessed with having a baby, none of these things  (the dreams, daydreaming, the cry-because-I-just-saw-a-baby) affected me to the magnitude they do now. When I’m finally learning to just be patient, this sorta stuff happens. Talk about timing. It’s like I’m just emotionally shot about this, but my head is delicately dropping hints that I’m not over it in everything else in my life.

But in the mean time I guess I’ll walk around with some tissue in the event I see a pink or blue anything and it reminds me of a teeny tiny beh-beh. 

Here it goes again.

Okay I’m fine now.

 

It’s Not Fun Anymore

My brain has officially crossed the fine line between “Oh I think I’d like a cute little baby” into “I *twitch* need *twitch* baby!….*twitch*” I don’t know what could trigger these -and I doubt it’s what I’ve been eating …for like five months straight-but holy baloney, my beh-beh dreams are getting not only more vivid, but extremely complicated. I wake up thinking “what the Jahannam is happening?”

Anyhow since the last time I had that dream about Subway Muslimah and her “condition” there have been about three more and in each one my face is utterly confused because I know I’m dreaming, but I can’t figure out why my head won’t let go of this infatuation. I’m not going to go into detail mainly because I can’t remember anything right now except that I wasn’t the only one pregnant at the time. In one dream, I think there were about five other ladies that were pregnant at the same time. We were one big -literally- group of jolly preggers waddling our way through the buffet. In another dream, everyone in the whole dang universe was knocked up, but me. Look to my right, pregnant people, look to my left, more pregnant people, behind me, in front of me, even above me-EVERYWHERE! I look at myself and realize I’m the only person without a baked bun in the oven. That dream probably raised my blood pressure.

I really think something is going on, or that I’m being sent these messages from the one above, but I’m not reading them correctly OR that I’ve passed the point of obsessive compulsive and my brain is slowly turning into a “get a baby” machine. It’s really not like I’m thinking about kids all the time either. I see a baby, I have my moochie moochie moment and say “inshaAllah” then move on with my day. I’ve stopped compulsively thinking about it like for a couple of minutes now. Just kidding, more like a couple of weeks. On the same token, although I’m not thinking about a baby all the time nor fighting to stay concentrated, my dream world is all about those little lovely boogers. It’s like all the “repression” throughout the day comes back with a fury while I’m sleeping.

What’s weird about all of this is that the only -and I mean ONLY- reason I’m not with a beh-beh is because the hubz-man and I need to “wait”. What kind of bs is that huh? I’m young and at the peak of my fertility and inshaAllah could’ve been knocked up like forever ago, but because of me starting college and him applying to graduate school, we thought it only made sense to wait until there was some certainty in our future, well at least as certain as you can get because you can drop dead right now. At this very instant. Seriously.

Anyhow I’m tired of waiting and I’m not getting any younger (because we all know hitting 21 is pushing it, right?). InshaAllah I’ll have the patience to get through however much longer I need to because Allah knows I’m about one lullaby binky blanket diaper booties onesies waaaaah breast pump stroller Parenting Magazine away from going into a furiously ugly meltdown.

babies callin’ my name,

amira

 

It’s Got To Be A Sign Part Two

Maybe I should just make a category on baby dreams -might as well at this rate.

Ever since I’ve been drifting off to beh-beh land, I’ve had two more that I never documented. So here they are.

Continued from #3
Dream 4: This one was a while ago so all I remember is that I had twins and that I was utterly confused about them. I knew they were mine, but I didn’t or couldn’t remember giving birth to them, so it’s like they just appeared, but they were definitely mine.

Dream 5: Remember my Subway friend? Well I was navigating through a crowd trying to get to my next class when I hear someone yell my name. I turned around to see Subway Muslimah (we’ll call here that for now) reaching out for me. When I pulled her through the crowd, she had this huge belly. And it wasn’t because she got fat, actually it would take a lot for her to get fat. MashaAllah, she’s lucky. Anyhow, in the dream she said something like “You can’t expect me to keep up with you in this condition” as she waddled up to me. What the freakin’ heck?! How long have you been in your “condition”?!

Maybe I’m getting over this baby hullabaloo since my last dream wasn’t actually me with a baby. Sometimes I think it’s foreshadowing the order and number of kids I’m going to have inshaAllah. If it is then I’ll have many more behbeh dreams –we’re at dream number five so I guess I’ll have about five more. I’d like a minimum of seven and ideally anything in the double digits -14,15, maybe 16. Heck if I get to 16, we’re going all the way to 20. Yeah, I’m talking about kids.

What’d ya think I was talking about?

Crabs ?

-amira

 

Don’t Be Sucka’d

I haven’t gotten over my “baby needs”- if you will. Do you know what I realized the other day? The awkward feeling of friends coming up to you and asking about something you didn’t know they knew about you. I was minding my own business at Subway and trying to decide whether I wanted to get the whole wheat bread or the one with the cheese on top when my friend asked “So do you still want a baby?”

I was a little startled and my eyes enlarged because that “What the heck, how do you know that?!” feeling overcame my body, but on the same token I shouldn’t have been so surprised. Hel-lo Amira, people actually come across what you write. I shriveled up at the fact that she knew about my Amira-wants-a-behbeh thing because, well heck it just came as a surprise.

It’s weird that I know my thoughts are here in the blogosphere, but I still don’t think anyone reads them. So for someone to come up to me about a post tickles me pink (or scared crapless orange).

Back to the baby business. I’m coming to terms with this patience thing –at least that’s what I’m telling myself. My husband accurately describes my various phases, but buddy, this is no phase. I don’t have phases for three years, maybe three days or a week, but not a whole darn three years.

Sometimes I “forget” about it meaning I only think about it three to seven times a day verses when I’m “obsessed” when thinking about it like ..hmm how many seconds are in a day?

But inshaAllah we’ll see with this semester. It’s a really packed and bumpy four months until summer. A lot of questions will be answered and a lot of decision will be made inshaAllah. So until then I’ve just got to sniff out all the babies within a five mile radius and get my baby fix with my cousin.

baby radar on,
amira

 

Baby Blues (And Pinks)

Ugh.

This baby nonsense has been nagging at me so much so that I’m starting to get depressed. I can’t shake it off or forget about it no matter what I do or how much I try to distract myself. Seriously, as a 20 year old with her whole life in front of her (inshaAllah) why -OH WHY- can I not stop wanting a kid so badly. It’s driving me up, down, around, and all over the wall.

All of this started as a “phase”-really in all honesty at first I just wanted to experience pregnancy and of course only the highlights of it too. You know, to feel a baby move inside of you, hear the heart beat for the first time, and put the very first ultrasound in a frame -well lookie-lookie-there’s-my-baby type of thing. But I didn’t want the full responsibility of having a whole other being on my hands. I could barely keep my life in order without another soul to care for.

But that was almost two years ago.

Since then something that I can’t describe has been growing within me -no , not a baby (I wish)- something that aches to care for someone that depends hands and foot on me. I want to be needed and need to be wanted. This desperate need for providing isn’t because I was deprived or unwanted growing up, no not at all, it isn’t the classic case of wanting love because I was unloved. It’s a need for me to devote myself to someone and love someone like only a mother can.

Since I’m an analytical person I’ve noticed my change in attitude and see the blessing and gradual progression through my perception of Allah infinite wisdom. The way I see it, alhamdulilah, I’ve made a complete 180. At first I simply wanted to be pregnant but was by no means ready for the actual baby , you know, at the end of it all (Oh snap, I need to take care of him/her now?!) and during that whole time of course I never got pregnant. Then through all of the waiting for it to happen (accidentally of course) I began to actually to look forward to the end product and care for my baby. And now alhamdulilah I see the pregnancy phase as just that -a phase. My goal is the little bundle of soft smushy flesh that I can nurture and see grow into a real person with a real life. I simply don’t want to just be preggo, I long for the actual baby at the end of it all. And alhamdulilah during this waiting period in our lives, I notice the change of heart my husband and I are going through. So that’s what gives me peace knowing that no matter how impatient I am, it’ll happen -accident or not- when Allah feels I’m ready.

I’ve always asked myself why I was so different when it comes to things like this. None of my friends wanted to get married when I wanted to at 14. None of the people I knew thought that getting married early was a good idea when I actually did at 17. And now no one I know wants a baby “so early” in life. Speaking of “so early” I, in fact, feel like I’m running out of time! I’m wishing and planning for a large family (inshaAllah) therefore I wanted to start early -like 18 or 19. Now a whole year later it’s as if I’m off schedule.

Alhamdullilah I’ve seen the change in my husband over the last 2 1/2 years. I guess he’s the normal one; he didn’t want children so early and wasn’t ready to be a father. I, on the other hand, desperately wanted to be called “momma”. Slowly, but surely he began to feel like he was ready for someone to call him “pop”, emotionally at least. Alhamdulilah at this point we’re both eager for a baby, at least we’re in the same boat and look forward to the next stage on our lives, but he’s definitely the level-headed one in terms of actually producing this child of ours. We both understand the financial weight of children and of course you can never be fully prepared, but dang-namit this patience thing is a pain in the buttocks.

Sometimes I’m tempted to just go for it and leave it up to Allah while we do whatever we can to make it. I don’t know why knowing our situation with school, work , and possibly moving I need to add a baby into the picture as if it’s going to make anything easier when I know it’ll only become increasingly difficult. Maybe I’m living in the fairy tale version in which everything works out beautifully and I have twins and we’re all one big happy bunch of lunatics.

I recall asking a friend of mine who got married at 18 and had her son at 19. Her family lives in California and she lives here with her husband while they both attend school. She described the difficulties both she and her husband faced and how he was working multiple jobs while attending school and that she had to take a year off from school to care for their son. She advised against poppin’ them out now (she didn’t plan on having her son so early) and suggested waiting -like everyone else I know says.

But. I. can’t.

The difference I notice is that most people who had children early never intended to and so of course they would advise against it after facing the “consequences”. But with me, I wish I had this “burden” already. I don’t and wouldn’t see it as trouble, instead I would cry my eyeballs out to have this baby I’ve wanted for so long. I think it’s a different story when you want a baby and when you don’t but are given the blessing; the response and perception to the situation I feel are different.

Speaking of those who’ve had unplanned pregnancies, it’s just my luck for me to put myself in perfectly planned situation for that same accident to happen and it not happen. Imagine carving a trail for someone to follow and fall right into your trap, but instead they take the hard rocky terrain, when it would’ve been so easy to just follow the dang trail! Similar with getting “surprisingly” knocked up. But I know Allah has a plan and it’ll happen when it does, but it’s not like we’re trying to begin with. I’m just hoping for a little accident of my own -you understand?

It tears me up to see young mothers and I mean young as in 17, 18, even my age because I so badly want to be in their position. But I have to be patient for so many things as it is, what’s one more to add to the list right?

Because I don’t really have a choice….or do I?

 

Its Got To Be A Sign

I can’t deny this anymore. I’ve been having strange dreams and quite frankly I think Allah is trying to tell me something. Maybe not…..or is He?

Anyhow over the last couple of weeks I’ve had baby dreams and at first I was excited because I thought “Oh my goodness, does it mean what I think it does?” Then I realized maybe it was just something I ate. But now since it keeps reoccurring I’m not sure what to think. I’m not looking to interpret them I just want to preserve them (just in case -you never know).

Dream 1: This one happened almost a month ago and I don’t remember the other details except that I was really really (like ready to pop) pregnant and that I had to fight a jinn for my baby. It was a pretty hard battle and I won but somehow I missed the infant years of her life and she was like a two year old by the time I defeated the jinn. I have no idea where all of that came from. That’s why I thought it had to be something I ate.

Dream 2: This one was about two weeks ago. All I remember is that S and I were talking to E about something she did and I had to think of her punishment. All of a sudden during my verdict S says “Be easy on her, you’re pregnant.” I’m thinking “What the hell?” and looking around a little confused but I go along with it. Then I think later on in the dream I look at my stomach and it’s enlarged.

Dream 3: This one was last night, well really this morning after I fell back asleep. It was unbelievably realistic; I really felt like it happened. Anyhow my husband and I were driving on 59 and we were at the place where 59 splits into 59 North and 610 and all of a sudden our car wouldn’t go anymore. We had to get out of the car but of course there were cars speeding by. Somehow me, husband, and our baby in a fully stocked stroller made it to the shoulder which was extremely narrow. They’re supposed to be wide enough for a car to park there and be out of traffic’s way but it was barely wide enough for the three of us to stand in. So we left the car in the traffic lane as we somehow made it to the shoulder. The whole time our baby is quiet and peaceful. Then we look up and there are two gigantic school buses headed right into our car and eventually there’s a major accident (we weren’t hurt although we could’ve easily been killed). To make a detailed dream short we were being interviewed on site by the new stations later on.

But what I remember so vividly was the stroller and our baby. The stroller was a brilliant silky navy blue with a subtle diamond imprint design and inner pockets and extra gadgets. I remember reaching into a pocket to look for a change of clothes for the baby and it was empty. I wrapped our son in a blanket and he started to cry because he wanted to move around but he was a really fresh baby (as in a newborn). I didn’t think they moved around so much so early on. He had beautiful eyes and curly hair like his father. I held him tightly and rocked back and forth as he cried and when he finally fell asleep I cried as I stared at him.

Then I woke up and had a sudden panic attack. For a second I was going to run around looking for my baby until I realized it was just a dream.

But it felt so real.

My baby felt so real.

 

Yep. Another Baby Post -Deal With It

So as we wrap up the last days of December (five days and counting) I thought I had my fair share of baby mania you know, ALL YEAR LONG (which I do love by they way). But then I went to TDC. Did you know that TDC also doubled as stroller central? Why yes, it provides oodles of newborns and baby bags filled with wipes, diapers, and those teeny tiny socks.

MashaAllah everyone I thought I would never see again I not only saw but also became a mother. I was too close to just falling out all over the place so many times I’m seriously surprised I survived. One sister I haven’t seen since last year’s Eid is pregnant (mashaAllah) and everyone else had a newborn or infant with them.

Let me tell you the most shocking baby story at TDC (for me at least). At my aunt’s apartment complex they have gate keepers/guards that do what gate keepers/guards do and there was one particular lady (who I later found out was a muslimah and her husband was friends with mine) who was always so nice to me -she always let me go in without the usual license check (they do a check on everyone…I’m no criminal). Well anyhow she eventually quit her job and disappeared forever I thought. Then as I was walking through the bazaar at TDC guess who I run into?! Yes! The same sister. She was sitting at a booth and I recognized her face immediately but of course I didn’t remember her name because I just can’t remember names (I’m starting to think it’s a condition I need to be checked for).

MashaAllah it turns out that the sister quit her job and she and her husband opened up an Islamic store not to mention SHE HAD A BABY since the five months ago that I last saw her! I noticed the baby carrier next to her but didn’t think anything of it until she mentioned her son. I’m just glad my jaw didn’t break when it hit the ground. Even she had a baby, not that she wouldn’t or anything, but it just further proves my point that people I know (or knew) are poppin‘ them out.

A long time friend of mine (we go way back to the kindergarten jungle gym) has a cousin who got married almost a year ago and we (my mom, husband, and I) met him and his wife for the first time on Sunday and guess what?! Even they had a baby. Okay, okay I realize that maaaaybe I’m just psycho about all of this because people have babies all the time, but it’s happening all around me and I’ve never known 235635 pregnant/new mothers at the same time.

Everyone had or is having a baby -everyone. Maybe you are too and who else?….not I.

I did get my “mom fix” over the TDC weekend though. Since my mom couldn’t make it the first two days I was solely in charge of my sisters and partially for my cousins. I felt mom-like especially with my adorable (and eatable) youngest cousin. I love that kid more than any other baby in my entire life mashaAllah.

Nonetheless I want a teeny-tiny human to care for. One that only knows me as “Waaaah” and I can dress in ridiculously cute costumes like this one.

-amira

 

I Need A Strait Jacket

Someone strap me up and send me to the loony bin. Just when I thought all of this hullabaloo might come to an end something like this happens.Remember baby baby BABY MANIA? Well I forgot to mention that the fevah‘ wasn’t only targeting ordinary folks. Looks like “stars” are hopping on the baby train too. People I didn’t think were going to have kids anytime soon are expecting. I’m not one to keep up with the nonsense of celebrities, but apparently Jenny from the block is with twins and miss lovely Halle Berry is expecting her first. There’s also the unexpected-but-no-big-deal group of that Richie chick and Mrs. Aguilera (I think they’re all due around the same time -all of them, like it was a planned event).

Then I’m told something that’s just going to make me jump right over the gosh darn crib. The younger 16 year old Spears (Britney’s sister) is knocked up as well. I’m sure this news is causing many mothers a lot of trouble. Alhamdulilah my tween and younger cousins don’t watch spears’ show and although they know who she is, my aunt is not having too much trouble with this issue. But me? Yea, yea teen pregnancy is unfortunate as we’ve been told since we were old enough to know what a vagina is, but my initial reaction to all of this was “WHAT!? HER TOOOOOOOO? I need a drink -quick someone hand me apple juice and make it on the rocks.”What’s the date? The 20th? I thought to myself “Maybe we can make it through the last days of December pregnancy or birth announcement free” But now I know how naive that was. Because as stated by yours truly, this is the year of babies. No way of getting around that. The world is still going to sqeeze those little precious-esssss out until midnight Dec. 31.

As you may (or not) know, I really want kids. I’m not trying to become a first time mom at 5o or wait until after residency, but I have to wait just a little longer before I can join club motherhood. In the mean time it’s like the whole freakin‘ world is trying to tell me something! Everywhere I turn is a pregnant lady or a parenting magazine or those teeny-weeny baby clothes with the matching booties. So I get it world, I GET IT!

 

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For…BABIES

What.is.going.on?

Ladies and gentlemen I really think we are experiencing a baby boom because this year, this year of 2007, is the year that everyone and their mommas (quite literally sometimes) is with child. Either they’re newly pregnant, really pregnant, just gave birth, or had their baby a couple of months ago. It’s amazing, but it’s driving me crazy with joy and madness.

I’m happy for everyone, mashAllah, but I find out someone is expecting or just gave birth every week -EVERY week (more like every couple of weeks, but it’s still super frequent). There’s a baby fever going around and no one is safe. It has hit our family too; alhamdulilah my aunt is expecting her fifth (a round of applause for her). Heck, even our neighbor’s cat is preggers. Well actually I’m convinced Kitho, the neighbor’s cat, is a cat-pimp and that he got one of his “employees” knocked up and now he’s going to be a father -what kind of life is he leading?! I had such high hopes for him.

I digress.

Anyhow it’s just like that summer two years ago when everyone was getting married or engaged, including me. Now I guess since the “mandatory” two to three years wait is up, its time to pop out kids right and left. But I must say that I do feel a little left out which is the madness in all of this. It makes me want a little mount of soft smushy flesh to cuddle and snuggle and smugy-mugy-woo….oh I forgot where I was.

They’re everywhere which is a wonderful thing. I personally reduce to a nonsensical gibberish speaking idiot around babies, but they’re taking over the world this year and by 2008 the planet will be covered in poopy diapers, babies will outnumber the adults, and the only spoken langue will be goo-goo-gaa-gaa. We must prepare.

-amira