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November 8, 2009
October 10, 2009
September 25, 2009
It’s been a while since I’ve visited this blog. I miss you, dear blog, I do.
But I’ve started a new one, one in which I am going to take seriously and be more accountable for. Although this one will still be active, it will go on a long hibernation.
The new one is my new home, but you will always be my first, dear blog.
the new one is: www.definemature.com
I will see you there!
January 23, 2009
Greeting Internet.
wow, so it looks like i’ll be posting every few weeks to months. things have been so hectic. so, so hectic. but i really want to start writing again…inshaAllah atleast once a week.
i just have a load to get off my chest and a series of random updates to document. you know, it’s funny that i even have this blog of mine. i want and need it for expressive and documention purposes, yet chose -chhhoooossee- to disclose personal (as personal as i’ll a web of strangers in on) information in such a public arena. the other day i was thinking about how much i miss having my journals and, even more so, the TIME to write my emotions and thoughts and life out. now i feel like its a stumbling collection of memories im trying to hold on to. maybe im too lazy or just running out of room to remember the things going on, but i have to because in many ways this blog is therapeutic for me and knowing very few to none read it, i don’t feel too threatened about it’s lack of real privacy.
anyhow. biggest and most important new fact is that i am now a parent, a mother to a beautiful and amazing and absouletly perfect alhamdulilah mashalAllah Allahu Akbar little boy. ah, my son. my little wonderful deliciously chunky boy. momma loves you more than she will ever -ever-ever be able to express in words. you own my heart forever. my labor and birthing experience went absolutely NOTHING like i planned or hoped for, BUT but but, amira…in the end all you can ask for is a healthy and happy baby. which i got. and am very thankful for. so alhamduliah. i will shut up and not go into the very long and emotional spew about my surprise c-section that i was seriously depressed about and could. not. get. over. i learned that its a real issue to have the feelings i had and im coping with them. honestly the more i talk about it, the more it bandaids my wound, but im simply not in the mood for it right now. maybe it’ll be a whole other post.
hubmister and i are adjusting to parenthood and its pretty sweet right now. i mean, really its the same routine over and over again. its when hes walking, talking, and thinking for himself that worries me. besides, right now i can just kiss him and hold him and just plain love my sugarsweethoneylovebug endlessly. before i know it he’ll be a screaming toddler and sooner or later too old and too cool for mommy’s kisses.
now….
i guess the real reason im up at 2:31am, aside from the three straight cups of tea i had, is because of what’s bothering me. it’s been picking at my brain and haunting me from every unstudied page from that stupid Kaplan book. so here’s a real confession…
Lately I have been totally overwhelemed and completely unsure of what the heck to do with my life. Anyone who knows me assumes, which is the key word, ASSUMES I will be going into medicine, but I seriously have to be honest with myself. I feel like I HAVE to go to medical school and accomplish all of these things that my family expects me to because of their dreams and sacrifices. I already talked a little about this in a previous post, but now that it’s so close in my future, holyshmoly, it’s giving me hives and nasty infections (okay im kidding about that, but i really want to vomit though). I hate this burden. And to make matters even uglier, I don’t have a plan B. Not even a plan A 1/2.
I really REALLY hate this burden. And it’s making me hate myself and everything I did wrong to get to this point. I have neither the confidense nor the certainty that it’s for me, but then again, I don’t know of anything else that I want to do. I wish I could tell you the twitches I get when people ask me about how my application is going or when I’m going to take the MCAT.
What I hate more than anything else is comparisons. Comparisons between me and my peers. One thing about me that has always been constant is that my closest and most relatable friends have always been years and years older than myself. The only thing I usually have in common with young women my age is just that, my age. Sure there’s also that annoying fact that we’re essentially each others competition(to get into med school or whatever program or scholarship etc.) as well. And I really hate excuses so I don’t try to make any myself, but I need to be realistic and remember that comparing myself to my peers is like comparing apples and oranges. We’re both fruit but different fruits.
What kills me is the expectation on myself ffrroommmmmm myself, and others to an extent, to be where they are competively atleast. If that makes sense. Reality is that my peers aren’t married with a baby and trying to get things done at the same pace. I’m not saying that my marriage and son are holding me back, but what I am saying is that our set of resonibilities are totally different. They don’t have a husband and a baby to tend to/take on plus school. For the most part they usually invest all of their time and enegy into school. I don’t regret one thing about my desicion to get married and definitely to have my son, but most of the time I feel like a failure and inadequate for not being up to pace with my peers. One prime example is this year. This forsaken stressful year when we’re supposed to be appyling to medical school and taking our MCATS. And you know what? I’m.Not.Ready. I don’t feel like I’ll have enough time to study, take the test, have my recommendation letters, and blah blah balh all in time for May (plus keep up with my classes). MAY…THREE MONTHS AWAY. Most of the pressure is on my MCAT, infact ALL of the pressure is on that test. I can’t afford to have to retake it.
So what if I have to apply a year later or take an extra semester? Ah, I know why. Because folks will blame my son. Dare I not apply and get into a medical school or consider a different career, the whispers will be because amira had a baby before she finished her undergrad and it basically ruined her dreams(so faaaar from true)….or something. I’ll be the prime example for parents to not let their daughters get marriend before a bachelors degree…or PhD. Whenever a young not yet college grad brings up marriage with her parents, they’ll just hold up a picture of me to strike terror into her heart. Huuuh,I feel this overlieing dark cloud to prove that getting married so young and having a baby is not such a bad thing. That is wasn’t a mistake because I’ve never felt that it ever was. And that it’s possible, like so many women do -single handedly even, to still finish your education and have your family at the same time. But I need to prove it with my own example. I just might need an extra year.
Now all of this could totally be my own insecurities and paranoid imagination, but you know what? I doubt it’s far from true considering all of the warnings to not give up on medical school because I have a baby. Well newsflash folks, I was alwyas shaky about medical school anyways.
It’s so easy to say “Ah screw it! SCREW IT ALLLLLLLLL” and let things be, but I can’t. And I understand that.
I just wish I could have some peace about it.
July 4, 2008
April 4, 2008
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April 3, 2008
January 11, 2008
I despise you little ugly bump of pain. You are unwelcome on my forehead or anywhere else for that matter. Be gone.
I would soooo love to pop you and expose the bump of puss you really are. But I will spare you knowing your tendency to spread…I will spare you.
Maybe I can’t pop you, but I will ZAP you! (evil laugh. snort. evil laugh)
Measly zit you are no match for:
My hero.
saved,
amira
January 10, 2008
This is marriage: loving each other despite your over sized heads.
Picture courtesy of E two years ago at my nikkah
big head,
amira
