A Bitter Goodbye

Well the one single event/day I had been trying to avoid  has finally come and gone - May 5, 2008. It’s not really the day exactly, I never do anything for cinco the mayo, in fact I don’t even know what the date is for most of the year, but this year is drastically different.

On Monday evening my husband left for school in a different country. And believe me, if there was anyway I could’ve gone with him I would’ve -even it meant that I pack myself in his suitcase and surprise him there. But for so many reasons and too many details I simply couldn’t go and it drives me crazy.

It’s been two days since he left and I don’t know how I’m going to take it for the next four months because I already feel like it’s been four months. Although he’ll be back in August for about two weeks, he’ll head back for another four months and continue the cycle for a year and a half.

 I think I’m going to die.

SubhanAllah. Maybe you don’t understand. We’ve never been away from one another for more than two days, maybe three, maximum. But four months at a time?!!? Oh. my. Allah. My brain still hasn’t registered that he’s an ocean away. I feel like he’ll come home for dinner or walk through the door any minute and say he was just kidding about the whole school-in-a-different-country thing. I keep waiting to wake up, but I doubt I will.

He left on Monday evening and we wasted the whole day trying to settle some last minute technicalities here and there and before we knew it, it was time for him to head to the airport. It really felt surreal. In all honesty I was hoping for him to change his mind. To say that he doesn’t want to go anymore. To just not go. But I know it’s better in the long run; it’s for us and our family, so he really didn’t have a choice. But dang, this is not fun. It’s not fun AT ALL. I am going to whine and cry like a baby about this because gosh darn it, I love the man and I can’t stand to be away from him. Perhaps it’s immature of me, but I don’t care. It’s not like I express my feelings to everyone and cry in public about things anyways, so I think to rant here is basically my right, almost my obligation since keeping it all in will turn out really really ugly.

Like I’ve mentioned before I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and my mom could tell I missed him tremendously. Yesterday she gave me about four random hugs throughout the day and rubbed my headache like I was a little girl again. Actually she’s taking it pretty badly herself. He’s really her only son (in law, but whatever, we don’t use “in law” terms- family is family) and she’s worried about him.

When I got home from our goodbyes I cried at everything that reminded me of him -which was everything. He used to like to eat with this fork or is it that fork? It doesn’t matter, he usually preferred a fork! Waaaaaaaaah. That sort of thing.

I normally smell his clothes because, well, a) I love the way he smells and b) I just do that sort of thing. So this time I sniffed so hard my lungs should’ve exploded. Then I realized that I might inhale all of his scent at once and there won’t be enough to last until he comes back and decided to ration it out until August.

Am I crazy?

I’m not too proud to admit that I am. Maybe even a little obsesive.

That night I slept alone on my new firm pillow which wasn’t a big deal since I’ve slept alone before when he used to work overnight, but he would always be there when I woke up.  When he wasn’t partially snoring away next to me the morning after, it all become too real. Like I woke up to a really bad dream…that wasn’t a dream. To make matters worse, internet connection and cell phone service is pretty much a lucky if you have it, too bad if you don’t kind of thing where he is. But alhamdulilah he got someone to install a home phone, so at least I can talk to him when he’s in his apartment.

Goodness, I’m always a wreck when he leaves for a small trip or when I don’t see him for days, but my heart feels heavy and I’m not interested or excited about anything anymore. It’s been pretty hard for him too. It would be unfair to say that he’s having it easy when he’s actually struggling to get settled in and constantly stressed, just add the absence of a loving support system (in terms of being physically there) and I think it’s a recipe for disaster. But alhamdulilah he’s a survivor. And deeply loved.

Over the last couple of days I realized that I’m really going to be far too busy to even think how much things suck right now, so inshaAllah it will be August in no time. Time flies when you’re busy, right? And that’s exactly what I plan to do -stay really really busy. Oh, and try to be optimistic and not focus of the negative blah blah blah.

I just want him home.

Honestly I still get really angry when I think about our friends who live their lives normally and most importantly -together. We have friends who get to venture through undergraduate school and graduate school at the same time so they are in the same place in life and others who are out of school and beginning to build their families. But I feel like my husband and I just hit barrier after barrier. Alhamdulilah we have plenty to be thankful for, but I’m a pretty selfish and sometimes pessimistic person, okay? I just want us to move out and live normal freakin’ lives. I don’t want us to be separated for a year and half. I don’t want to still be at my parent’s house for another million years. I’m tired of people thinking that we’re not officially married-married because we don’t live on our own (actually I don’t care about this anymore, but I’m tired of the “so when are you moving out again?” question). I hate that no matter how I plan out my academic schedule for the next two years, I will not be able to see the hubzman for a year minimum.

But I need to keep in mind that most of our friends are married to people their own age and come from well off families. Hubz and I are three years apart and four years apart academically, so we will never be in the same stage in life, whereas most of our friends are. We just happen to get married before my senior year in high school and his junior year in college -so duh, we didn’t have money. And both of our families are immigrants with us being the first college/graduate school bound generation. I need to remember that we’re on a totally different stage in our lives than our friends, but it still makes twitch with frustration.

Ugh, I really don’t think I have the patience or strength to be handle this upcoming year of events (plenty of other stuff I have yet to mention), but Allah doesn’t give you more than what you can bare, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself. That and “after hardship comes ease” because I am really really REALLY looking forward to the “ease” part inshaAllah.

In reality I would love to show my I’m-sick-and-tired-of-everything face and not have people ask me what’s wrong because there is literally only one person that I feel comfortable talking about stuff to aside from my husband. And she’s in an entirely different state.

askhfowihldkshlalkgfdkjhsaifudhslkdha

And I know that things could be worse and alhamdulilah they’re not. But is it wrong to wish for things to not suck so much all the time? I mean, I hardly complain about anything to anyone and I feel guilty complaining even here, but it’s relieving to just say this all stinks -badly.

Anyhow as I mentioned the hubz will be back in August inshaAllah and when he is back, don’t expect to hear from me or see me (for those who do). I will not be available even for emergencies. Fend for yourself.

Ha!

 

 

 

What They Don’t Tell You About Marriage

Dang. This stuff is hard.

It’s work and patience and strength and effort and energy you don’t have and more work.

Don’t be fooled by the starry lovey-dovey image portrayed by the movies or the sickening couple making out in the park. It’s nothing like that after the first couple of months. But it should be known or at least expected. I think I was caught up in the events leading up to and during the wedding and being a “Mrs.” afterwards that I ignored this aspect of marriage. But it caught up to me…as it will to you and take a huge chunk out of your butt.

Blending your life with someone else’s and morphing your personalities, lifestyles, attitudes, likes, dislikes -the list goes on forever- is something that takes years…and this is something I’m learning. There are things  you’re going to have to suck up and just deal with and the list seems to grow at an irritating rate.

And you can’t change him/her. You really can’t. It’s like trying to chew through a brick wall with your bare teeth. You can try, but it’ll destroy your teeth before you make any progress.

You discover things about yourself that you didn’t know…or wish you didn’t know. I, personally, discovered that it ain’t about me. What?…really?…I have to consider your feelings too? Oh, that’s right…we’re an item now, so I guess I should.          (I’m kidding)

Money is always a concern whether you have you it or not, but more when not.

Your feelings fluctuate and get this….it’s normal. I thought, well assumed, that when you’re married your feelings/love for one another stays the same. Pppssssshht. If things aren’t getting done, then there’s trouble -simple. There’s no room for excuses and plenty of room for arguments in that case.

Fun couple time seems to diminish as life gets in the way and before you know it you’re an old boring pair.

What do you want to do Friday night?

Uh, I dunno.

Some tapioca and a movie?

Okay!

Friday night you’re in bed by 8. No tapioca. No movie. Too tired to go out.

Sometimes family is a barrier and that’s the truth. Although they’re never in the way when you need them…only when you don’t and they’re always there.

Sometimes pretending gets you to where you need to be. That can mean however you interpret it.

It can be hard to remember the good times and forget the bad ones for some reason. Or maybe we’re just negative pessimistic beings. Or maybe I am.

People change…he isn’t the guy or she isn’t the girl you married. This new person is not who you envisioned, but hey, it comes as a package deal and too bad you can’t throw away the parts you don’t like.

It’s a psychological work out sometimes. Other times you need a physical workout. Marriage always an emotional workout.

I’m starting to see the true accomplishment it really is for people to be married for a kazillion years because with divorce becoming as common as going to the bathroom, it’s a notable feat when a pair has been together for so long. Because like I said, this stuff is hard.

Word to the wise: don’t be sucka’d… it’s not a cup of tea

 

Come Home Lassy…Come Home

I’m a bitter fool.

I’ve been grouchy lately only because I’ve seen the hubz-man probably for a total of an hour and a half over the last couple of days. His job is slowly sucking him away into oblivion. This stinks.

Up until this point, we’ve spent at least half the day together and now to see him so sporadically is like holdin’ it to go to the bathroom for so long and then being allowed to pee one drop at a time. Is that too gross? Ah, get over it.

Anyhow it feels awkward and ….well, just awkward to not see or even talk -I mean, c’mon if I can’t see you, then at least let me be able to talk to you- to him like this. But I guess it’s good preparation? I’ll explain that when the time comes because I don’t even want to think about how close it is. This makes me think about a friend of mine, actually two friends of mine, who were married, but didn’t get live with their husbands right away. One of my friend’s husband is across the ocean and the other’s is up north, but I often think about what they must be going through and how they’re dealing with it. Sometimes it really is just a “take what you can get” type of thing, because I would rather be married and not with him temporarily than not with him at all (unmarried). It’s got to be difficult to be away from someone you love, and then add kids into the picture and it’s a recipe for a meltdown.

There’s a sister who’s doing her residency and her husband is working on his PhD.D in a different state so they’re already busy with work and living in different states, but on top of that they have, I think, three kids, which must intensify the situation even more so. Another thing that I’ve thought about is the thousands of wives who have husbands over seas fighting this stupid war with the real chance of their husbands not returning. Man, SubhanAllah I don’t think I would be able to handle that. And then imagine the wives and children who have lost their husbands and fathers because it’s like the fourth time they were deployed. Real nonsense destroying real families. I pray that Allah eases their suffering.

So for me to not see my special beanhead due to working is something I should shut up about since there are far greater circumstance others are facing that I’m not.

At least his (hubz-man) job is temporary and after this I’ll never let him take this kind of offer ever again. I know his job is for both of us; he’s working really hard so that I don’t have to and I do really, really, really appreciate it so I’m going to shut myself up when I feel the urge to pout.

Whaaaaa? You’re leaving again!?!?!!?!

Tuck that hanging lip back in…..remeber we don’t pout anymore.

Mayn.

 

Wifehood 101

Have a seat and a treat as you read along this post of mine. It entails a quick summary of my “evolution” since I met the hubmister.

-We, women, are extremely complicated. In fact so complicated that I understand, but I don’t understand womanhood (growing-up-amirahood) at the same time.

-It’s better to boost his ego (although you’re right) and have him realize your humility and patience when he’s wrong than to shove your point across. Voice your opinion, but ultimately he’s in head of the family.

-No, guys never ever want to hear about your period issues and definitely not any details. Have some class, goodness.

-Don’t eat immediately before bed. I’ll leave it at that.

-Sometimes there’s “me” and and other times there’s “you”, but they always equal “we.” Look at the big picture.

-There’s no shame in pooping. When you get married and you’re living together, it dawns on you that “Oh my goodness, he’s going to smell my poop sooner or later!” And no, having more than one bathroom doesn’t help because it’ll catch up to you. (hah!) I tried to avoid this for as long as possible because my husband said something like “I can’t imagine you or females to be as nasty as guys.” And I don’t know why I thought I had to be the ultimate lady-like figure around him (or something). But really there’s nothing to be embarrassed about -everyone does it!

-Even a simple milk n’ cookies snack together can change your day.

-Sharing a drink, using same spoon, licking same ice cream cone = cool germs
Have a cold/flu, hot cheeto breath, just wiped baby’s poop = not so cool germs
(Yeah I have really young cousins okay? So I do wipe some baby butts. There’s no need to remind me about my I-want-a-baby obsession okay!?)

-There no such thing as unconditional love (maybe with children). Yeap, things are conditional. That’s something I realized after a dear friend told me about a marriage lecture she listened to. It true and it doesn’t mean “Hey buddy you better have a million bucks in the bank everytime I want to shop.” It’s in the sense that if you’re not fulfilling one another’s needs, your feelings towards each other do change. So it’s conditional.

-Never compare your spouse with someone else or actually just never compare anything -period. It causes more harm than good.

-Learn to cook ladies. Learn. To. Cook. Mac N’ Cheese is only cute once, I repeat that: Once.

This is all I can think of right now, but there are plenty more.
To be continued I guess.

-amira

 

Monkey In The Middle

I think I might get some sanity back.

I met a sister I haven’t seen in a while last night at Sheik Zhoubair halaqa. Alhamdilah I enjoy her company and it was refreshing to finally find someone that I can relate to because I’m always in this awkward position that leaves me feeling weird and out of place. Like when everybody’s doing the wave and when you think your section is about to stand everyone stays seated and you stand and “woooohooo” all by your pathetic self. Yeah, it can crush someone. You see, most of the lovely sisters I know, have known for so long, or have recently begun to develop real friendships with are all around my age. Maybe a little less, maybe a little more but still within the 17-23 range.

But what makes it a little difficult for me is that I am dying to find someone that I can talk about the nuances of being married and things related to it and although I love these sisters for the sake of Allah and because they’re simply the best bunch around (I really do have some awesome friends and alhamdulilahi rabin ala meen to that), but I feel like I can’t speak about things that are of major importance to me because we’re in different social stages -do you understand what I mean?

Then there’s the group of sister who are a little older than myself but I talk to occasionally. They’re where I am as far of being married or what not, but they’re also either starting their families or careers or finishing school -some are doing all three at once. So although we talk about marriage in general, it’s not the type of connection I’m looking for. And beside some drive me nuts with the stupid “….but when your really married you’ll see …blah blah blah” Tell me what constitutes being “really” married. Don’t make me start twitching again.

I digress.

My point is that I feel out of place with both groups and stuck in the middle, like a monkey, a monkey that’s in the middle (I think you get it) and so to finally meet up with the sister last night was like vick’s vapor stick all over again -soothing. Turns out that we have way more in common than I ever thought and inshaAllah we’re defiantly going to hang more often.

For now I’m going to try and get this fire out of my throat. This is what it looks like in my throat. All of those years of drinking lava are finally getting to me.

-amira

 

Whaaaa? You’re Married?!

I’ve wanted to talk about this for a while so I don’t want to delay it anymore. I find that when some people (older women) know that I’m married or got married at 17, they get a little defensive or really shocked and it throws them off course for some reason. The conversation comes to a screeching stop and it’s a whole new exchange of dialogue. I don’t understand why though. I’ve gotten the “But you’re so young, why did you rush into it?” and the “Wow 17? Do you wish you could change that?” Yeah, I wish I found my husband earlier in life.

Firstly 17 (alhamdulilah) was a fantastic age for me (and probably for most young ladies) because you have no idea of all the fitnah that I was saved from. I was still in high school and we all know the sword of death high school is to your eman so why not save us the immense pressure and temptations that we’re constantly engulfed in. Like Sheik Zhoubair said when it comes to fitnah/high school and your children : you can’t expect someone to jump into water and not get wet. Similarly you can’t expect kids to go to school and be surrounded with every temptation out there and then not be influence in some way. It’s really impossible and illogical.

So for the women who think that me getting married so young was a mistake I say nay, Allah is the best of planners and everything happens according to His will, besides who are to tell me what is right for me to do when Allah has already decreed something. Getting married when I did is the one of the biggest blessing Allah has ever bestowed on me. And having parents who understand the importance of marriage and not delaying it is an equally beautiful blessing. Heck I didn’t even approach them about it in fact I never peeped the “m” word. They came to me. Yeah, imagine my shock.

Although my marriage was by no means an arranged one -let me repeat that: IT WAS NOT ARRANGED- it did come with conditions. When we got married my husband and I were both pretty young (me: 17 him: 20) and both in school so of course our families didn’t expect us to hit the ground running right after the nikkah. We live here at my parent’s house until he’s accepted into his master’s program inshaAllah and then we’ll be on our own. In the meantime he works part time and we manage smaller bills as we try to put money away. So it’s all good alhamdulilah.

You see, what I don’t understand is why make the marriage hard on the new couple? They’re already new to one another; they have to learn to blend into each other and to live their lives together and although I understand that there’s no way of understanding or knowing the other person until you live with them, I’m extremely grateful that our families are not all about “They wanted to get married so let them face life on their own.” I understand that it doesn’t always work out that way and, boy oh boy, do I realize that I have it good and Alhamdulilahi Rabin Alla Meen for that!

The rudest comment I ever received was something along the lines of “Oh I see, you’re already married then?” but it wasn’t the words, it was the expression on her face. Like it was such a bad thing. Yeah, I’m married and we’re both still in school. I haven’t stopped my education nor will I when I have a baby inshaAllah SO WHAT THEN!?!

I think it’s unfair to give the youth such horrible ultimatums. “You want to get married? Are going to pay for your school and take care of your wife too? Because either you finish school while I still pay for it or you get married and support your own life.” It shouldn’t be like this. I know, I know -its not always the case and there is nothing wrong with wanting us to achieve new bounds in our education but why do we have to wait until we’re in residency or even after a master’s degree to get married for those of us who can’t wait. It just ain’t right, yo.

Maybe I’m just emotionally speaking but the looks and awkwardness around me was eating me alive.

That is all.

-amira

 

Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing

I feel a constant wave of jitters. Sometimes it escalates to sheer panic and other times it’s an “Oh he’ll be fine -snap out of it woman!” But I can’t snap out of it because I can’t help but worry.

Let me explain what’s going on. My husband agreed (after asking if it was okay with me of course) to drive up to Minnesota with his friend since his friend is moving there and I guess for a mini “guy’s road trip” or something, but nonetheless I didn’t oppose to it. But that was three weeks ago when I didn’t think it might actually happen. Now that the time is here and my husband already left this morning I want him back home. Not because I’m the cruelest meanest wife you ever did see, but I’m just a little worried of all the possible things that could go wrong.

You know that expression “hope for the best and prepare for the worst” -well my problem is that I hope for the best but ENVISION the worst. I’m unsure of why I do that, but it’s always been with me. I remember when my mom would go shopping and my sister and I would stay home because we didn’t want to go and whenever my mom would take longer than usual I never thought “Oh maybe she’s buying more things or she’s just running other errands.” No, I hoped to Allah she was on her way home but my imagination would get the best of me. I’d think “Oh my goodness, there’s a hold up at the store with robbers and machine guns and my poor mommy is hiding to save her dear life behind the cereal aisle!” I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

So I used to call her often to make sure she was okay and that everything was fine.

“Mom where are you?!?!?!?” (listening for guns or chaos in the background)

“I’m shopping…like I said the last 7 times you called!”

“But it doesn’t take 3 hours to shop.”

“Listen, if you call me one more time… [fill in the blank with something painful]“

I was just a tad bit over protective but I learned to scale it down as I grew up. Now I see something similar reemerging with the huz when he goes somewhere I can’t reach him. On a normal day we see each other about 50 percent of the day but when he’s gone for days at a time out of state?! No, no I need reassurance no matter what the cost. InshaAllah I believe he’ll be fine because he can take care of himself (and all of his friends in the woods for days -another story I’ll tell you about some other time) but I can feel that same overprotective maniac amira coming back just a little bit.

Drinking this cup of caffeine doesn’t help either -maybe that’s why I’m shaking.

jitterbug,
amira

P.S. Two other things I wanted to point out:

1) I notice the over protective behavior when it comes to my youngest sister and my mom. She needs to know where our mom is all the time. Uph, how annoying. What a clingy kid huh? Just kidding she’s a mirror image of me.

2) I send my duaas to all the wives, mothers, and anyone who has a loved one away for so long (in something like uh, I don’t know A WAR…) where there’s a heightened possibility of not returning. I can only imagine the anxiety.

 

Help The Helpless

And I don’t mean those kind of helpless. I’m talking about all of the poor husbands in the world that have to endure the possessed sides of their wives.

I feel bad for the huz; poor guy is afraid to say something because he knows I won’t take it the right way. I don’t know what’s wrong with my hormones, actually I do know, every girl knows -every month. It’s the same ol‘ story: girl goes bonkers and guy prays for help. Now, I’m not violent but once when he noticed my bipolar mood swings he stepped out and came back with a helmet. Jokingly he said to just let him know when it would be safe again.

One Moment: WHAT? I’M VICIOUS OR SOMETHING? I NEED TO BE IN A ZOO LIKE A WILD ANIMAL? OH AND I’M UGLY LIKE THE CRAZY BABOON TOO HUH? SINCE I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S SAFE AGAIN…

Next Moment: (hysterically crying) I don’t know why I get like this. I’m sorry. I’m soooooorrryyy. I’ll make it up to you I promise, but for now I need chocolate -a lot of chocolate.

Yea, he didn’t joke around for a while afterwards.

Its one crazy roller coaster and I totally understand a sheik telling us about a dua the husband should say on the first night with his wife.

Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that you have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that you have made her inclined towards.’

InshaAllah I’m going to try to get his jokes and in the mean time make him all the hot cocoa he wants. Right now I can see him peacefully sleeping and it kills me up that I’m so deadly (to say the least) towards that precious beanhead of mine.

But alhamdulilah (subhanAllah and mashaAllah) he has the patience and really if he makes it one more day, then it’s all good right?

Right?!

DON’T MAKE ME ASK YOU AGAIN!

Just kidding. I’m totally fine.

Schizo,
amira

 

Fall From Grace

I’m finally ready to go to a dinner party for a newlywed couple that my husband and I know. The Mr. is sitting around and waiting, because as you may or may not know I kind of take a while preparing, when I put in my last hijab pin. There. Finally ready, let’s go.

You should know that there are a lot of wires that go from the desk to a socket nearby, but it’s in plain sight on the floor. You can not miss it. Sure, there’s always that spilling-water-on-the-floor-and-frying-up-our”-donkeys” risk, but we manage.

Anyhow I’m heading for the door when my I step on my own abaya, tripping myself, getting tangled up in the mess of wires, and cutting off all the power they provided as I crash right into the door.

Can I multitask or what?

For a few seconds no one makes a sound. I’m couldn’t believe at what just happened. And does someone, ahem-ahem, ask if I’m alright? A resounding NO. I’m sure that heaving sound I heard was him trying not to point and laugh at my job well done.

So I asked myself.

“Uhm, hey cupcakes, are you alright?”

“Yeah, Yeah” (broken laugh)

“I just lost any ounce of grace I may have been known for.”

Eventually we managed to get out with the furniture in one piece (and me).

 

So You Want To Get Married?

Gather ’round kiddos. Amira has something to tell ya’.

Looking back I was beyond ready and eager to get married. I mean so eager. Before I met my husband I was already in love with whoever this man in my life was going to be. I was in love with the idea of being in love and being in a marriage. I saw the word “married” on a heavenly sweet perfumed cloud with doves and giant hearts floating around in my head. Oh, and someone with a better voice than mine soothingly singing in the back round.

It was simply a beautiful part of life to me.

I waited for three whole, full, long years before it actually happened. Everything was done at super sonic speed. Engaged in mid-June. Married in early-August. It was during the busiest and craziest summer of my life. While dying of utter boredom for three summers prior I was taking extra classes, working, volunteering, and getting married all in the span of that one summer.

So there, the deed was done. Amira and her fiance finally got hitched. The next couple of days were, in a word, indescribable. Let me explain what I mean by that. The first days you spend with your husband are purely magical. I’m not even referring to the “alone” time, I mean the regular time. Doing ordinary things with your husband for the first time seem like Kodak moments. It’s like: Hurry, someone take a picture of me eating this M&M with my hubby because I want to relive this moment foreverrrrrr.

I recall going to Macy’s with him on day two of our marriage and still beyond high about what happened two days earlier. Even walking up the entrance to Macy’s I imagined us happily skipping up the pavement with sparkling rain drops of looooooove.

Now alhamdulilah almost two and a half years later the huz is still all that and a bag of my favorite chips to me.

Now here’s where you clean the ear wax out of your ears if necessary.

In my “wholesome” experience of being a wife for only two years (isn’t two years still in “newlywed” land) I have come to, not “warn” you exactly, but give you a head’s up about this wife business. Although my husband and I are temporarily living with my parents, I can still protest to the struggles of being married.

And just to get off my chest- nothing and I mean nothing makes my eye start twitching more than someone saying “Oh, so you’re not really married-married then, because you guys aren’t living alone.” Uh, so does that make me just married without the second married? Who are you to tell me that I’m not going through the same joys and troubles as any other wife just because my husband and I are lucky enough to stay with my parents for a little while? HUH? WHO. ARE .YOU?

Calming down..

As I was saying, going to school and handling wife duties is a balancing act; just don’t expect the pretty singing doves from your idea about marriage to lend a hand. It would be better to eat them for dinner.

Here are some lessons that I incorporated into my married life from the first day and try to uphold.

Disclaimer:Note that I do not have children, so I wouldn’t know how hard it is to be wife+student with extra souls in the scene. Below is for the temporarily childless couple and just things I encourage newlyweds to do regularly; it really makes a positive difference. Everything I’m stating is from my own experience and I am by no means an expert.

The honeymoon phase will pass and life will come barging in. I can’t express enough the importance of looking to Allah first, then Islam and respectable people for advice and here’s the biggest part: ladies you may have a natural urge to gossip, but staple/superglue/duck tape your mouth if you can’t keep your personal life personal.

I found the bizillion of ahadith and sunnah regarding marriage and wife/husband rights and duties immensely helpful. I only seek advice from my mom or sisters whom I could trust as a last resort and even then it doesn’t give me (or you) license to spill everything about me or my husband.

For ladies I recommend reading these books; they’re super short (if you have a love/hate thing about reading) and very staright forward:

1) Winning the Heart of Your Husband by Ibraahim ibn Saaleh al-Mahmud
2) Ingredients for a Happy Marriage by Sheikh Nasir Al-Omar

There’s also a “Winning the Heart of Your Wife” for the men. I admired the simplicity of these books and the Islamic insight they offered -get them, they’re good for you.

The first major fight will come and go, but it certainly won’t be your last. You know what? I personally believe that when handled properly, it’s those major ones that make you love one another even more. It’s just plain sweet when crying after a raging fight he comes to clean the many different fluids leaking out of your face.

Personally I always analyze how I reacted or behaved during whatever happened and try to correct my mistakes need there be a next time and it helps that he’s doing the same.

And I know this is particularly harder on the men, so women be gentle, but learn to kill (or compromise with) your ego. Your nafs can get the best of you sometimes, so watch out and keep in mind what’s really the issue.

You’re his wife now, talk to the man! -without lowering your gaze. (how many times do you hear that?) I try to be as open as possible with the huz (maybe too open?) and never keep any secrets from him, simply because I feel guilty doing so and it dispels any doubt. Unless it’s for a surprise, but he’s hard to surprise. Communication, don’t let the line die.

You guys are a couple now -touch, kiss, hold one another-whatever. It’s okay, you’re super halal with capital letters for each other. I encourage lovey-dovey actions and random kisses or whispers of sweet nothings. Be imaginative and do whatever works for you two crazy kids -there are no limits. Even small things make a difference; I write my husband little notes when I make his lunch or call to check on him and I notice he’s less stressed from his day when coming home.

Stay pretty for one another. Sweat pants from the 90’s and that cooking-onions-in-the-kitchen smell with your scrunchy lost in your mess of hair isn’t exactly sexy. Try to entice one another; you don’t have to be vaa-vaa-voom everyday, but at least presentable (especially when he brings home unexpected guests).

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if you couldn’t keep you’re room clean, then what the heck are you going to do with a whole apartment or house? No one likes coming home to a pig’s pen. I know what you’re thinking -”Simple, I’ll just have a maid. Duh.” and my response is “Yeah well, we’ll see how that goes and even if you somehow do, you won’t have one forever.”
It’s simple -don’t make a mess if you can’t clean it up and try to get in touch with domestic-ticity (yeah, i made that word up….)

I’m going to put this bluntly- lower your expectations. If you think your spouse should be able to do everything in the world and still be cheery or make time for you then you’re dead wrong my friend. Have reasonable expectations and don’t be too demanding. You’re more likely to get what you want when being sweet and deserving of it. And what I mean by expectations is things that you don’t necessarily have to have such as a brand new car if the one you have works. Putting burdens on each other hardens your hearts towards one another. Just chill and by trying to make things easier for the other usually comes back to benefit you, so don’t nag and whine.

And lastly, go one dates! You’re married, it’s fine to be seen in public so you might as well make the most of it -well not the most of it, but you understand, don’t you? You can just think of your husband as your permanent boyfriend and go do date-like things. It doesn’t have to be a dinner and a show (which are nice -do it if you can), but even smaller arrangements can be exciting. When I was a freshman in college my husband was a “5th year senior” and we would go and have lunch in the Japanese Garden near Herman Park, feed the ducks and then just take a walk. Sweet and simple.

I didn’t intend for this post to be so long, but I hope it benefited someone in some way.

sincerely,
amira