It’s been a while since I’ve visited this blog. I miss you, dear blog, I do.

But I’ve started a new one, one in which I am going to take seriously and be more accountable for. Although this one will still be active, it will go on a long hibernation.

The new one is my new home, but you will always be my first, dear blog.

the new one is:  www.definemature.com

I will see you there!

Greeting Internet.

wow, so it looks like i’ll be posting every few weeks to months. things have been so hectic. so, so hectic. but i really want to start writing again…inshaAllah atleast once a week.

i just have a load to get off my chest and a series of random updates to document. you know, it’s funny that i even have this blog of mine. i want and need it for expressive and documention purposes, yet chose -chhhoooossee- to disclose personal (as personal as i’ll a web of strangers in on) information in such a public arena. the other day i was thinking about how much i miss having my journals and, even more so, the TIME to write my emotions and thoughts and life out. now i feel like its a stumbling collection of memories im trying to hold on to. maybe im too lazy or just running out of room to remember the things going on, but i  have to because in many ways this blog is therapeutic for me and knowing very few to none read it, i don’t feel too threatened about it’s lack of real privacy.

anyhow. biggest and most important new fact is that i am now a parent, a mother to a beautiful and amazing and absouletly perfect alhamdulilah mashalAllah Allahu Akbar little boy. ah, my son. my little wonderful deliciously chunky boy. momma loves you more than she will ever -ever-ever be able to express in words. you own my heart forever. my labor and birthing experience went absolutely NOTHING like i planned or hoped for, BUT but but, amira…in the end all you can ask for is a healthy and happy baby. which i got. and am very thankful for. so alhamduliah. i will shut up and not go into the very long and emotional spew about my surprise c-section that i was seriously depressed about and could. not. get. over. i learned that its a real issue to have the feelings i had and im coping with them. honestly the more i talk about it, the more it bandaids my wound, but im simply not in the mood for it right now. maybe it’ll be a whole other post.

hubmister and i are adjusting to parenthood and its pretty sweet right now. i mean, really its the same routine over and over again. its when hes walking, talking, and thinking for himself that worries me. besides, right now i can just kiss him and hold him and just plain love my sugarsweethoneylovebug endlessly. before i know it he’ll be a screaming toddler and sooner or later too old and too cool for mommy’s kisses.

now….

i guess the real reason im up at 2:31am, aside from the three straight cups of tea i had, is because of what’s bothering me. it’s been picking at my brain and haunting me from every unstudied page from that stupid Kaplan book. so here’s a real confession…

Lately I have been totally overwhelemed and completely unsure of what the heck to do with my life. Anyone who knows me assumes, which is the key word, ASSUMES I will be going into medicine, but I seriously have to be honest with myself. I feel like I HAVE to go to medical school and accomplish all of these things that my family expects me to because of their dreams and sacrifices. I already talked a little about this in a previous post, but now that it’s so close in my future, holyshmoly, it’s giving me hives and nasty infections (okay im kidding about that, but i really want to vomit though). I hate this burden. And to make matters even uglier, I don’t have a plan B. Not even a plan A 1/2.

I really REALLY hate this burden. And it’s making me hate myself and everything I did wrong to get to this point. I have neither the confidense nor the certainty that it’s for me, but then again, I don’t know of anything else that I want to do. I wish I could tell you the twitches I get when people ask me about how my application is going or when I’m going to take the MCAT.

What I hate more than anything else is comparisons. Comparisons between me and my peers. One thing about me that has always been constant is that my closest and most relatable friends have always been years and years older than myself. The only thing I usually have in common with young women my age is just that, my age. Sure there’s also that annoying fact that we’re essentially each others competition(to get into med school or whatever program or scholarship etc.) as well. And I really hate excuses so I don’t try to make any myself, but I need to be realistic and remember that comparing myself to my peers is like comparing apples and oranges. We’re both fruit but different fruits.

What kills me is the expectation on myself ffrroommmmmm myself, and others to an extent, to be where they are competively atleast. If that makes sense. Reality is that my peers aren’t married with a baby and trying to get things done at the same pace. I’m not saying that my marriage and son are holding me back, but what I am saying is that our set of resonibilities are totally different. They don’t have a husband and a baby to tend to/take on plus school. For the most part they usually invest all of their time and enegy into school. I don’t regret one thing about my desicion to get married and definitely to have my son, but most of the time I feel like a failure and inadequate for not being up to pace with my peers. One prime example is this year. This forsaken stressful year when we’re supposed to be appyling to medical school and taking our MCATS. And you know what? I’m.Not.Ready. I don’t feel like I’ll have enough time to study, take the test, have my recommendation letters, and blah blah balh all in time for May (plus keep up with my classes). MAY…THREE MONTHS AWAY. Most of the pressure is on my MCAT, infact ALL of the pressure is on that test. I can’t afford to have to retake it.

So what if I have to apply a year later or take an extra semester? Ah, I know why. Because folks will blame my son. Dare I not apply and get into a medical school or consider a different career, the whispers will be because amira had a baby before she finished her undergrad and it basically ruined her dreams(so faaaar from true)….or something. I’ll be the prime example for parents to not let their daughters get marriend before a bachelors degree…or PhD. Whenever a young not yet college grad brings up marriage with her parents, they’ll just hold up a picture of me to strike terror into her heart. Huuuh,I feel this overlieing dark cloud to prove that getting married so young and having a baby is not such a bad thing. That is wasn’t a mistake because I’ve never felt that it ever was. And that it’s possible, like so many women do -single handedly even, to still finish your education and have your family at the same time. But I need to prove it with my own example. I just might need an extra year.

Now all of this could totally be my own insecurities and paranoid imagination, but you know what? I doubt it’s far from true considering all of the warnings to not give up on medical school because I have a baby. Well newsflash folks, I was alwyas shaky about medical school anyways.

It’s so easy to say “Ah screw it! SCREW IT ALLLLLLLLL” and let things be, but I can’t. And I understand that.

I just wish I could have some peace about it.

hello internet. extremely long time no see. infact i honestly forgot about you for a while so now i’ll make up for the months of neglect with EVERYTHING thats been going on.

i got back from lubbock -it was intense there. seriously, nothing short of boot camp for pre-meds. we were all sleep deprived the entire month so like many of us, when i got home i slept, i think, for maybr three days straight. i was up for about 28 hours the night before i got home and slept two hours before i had to get up to catch my flight. we did a lot of things that i hoenstly dont feel like talking about…or maybe im trying to block that part of my memory. either way its in the past and it was beneficial -alhamdulilah.

my husband was still in Dominica for school and lubbock helped a teeeeeny tiiiiiny bit with keeping me busy enough to forget how much i missed him, but it was still hard to talk to him every couple of nights and know he wasnt happy -i wasn’t happy- we both hated the distance and inconsistant communication. granted i was lucky enough to even be able to talk to him, but its still nothign like having him home..or heck, even being at home. i neevr thought i would wish to be at home so badly as when i was in lubbock. oh wait i was supposed to have stopped talkign about lubbock, huh?

anyhow i got back on the 29 of july and my aunt had her baby about a week earlier. WOW mashAllah what a little cutie. hands down, my husbands aunt and uncle make beautiful babies. so it was super sweet to finally meet little ibrahim and really just see my entire family again….minus my hubz.

so i guess you would find out sooner or later anyways internet, but since everyone else knows now , i am happy to announce that my husband and i are expecting our first -alhdmaulilah and inshaAllah-this december. yeah, four months away. which makes me six months, 25 weeks and 4 days to be exact, along today. i found out in march and it was ridiculous to get through third exams and finals with the fatigue and nausea, but i did. then my husband leaving for school and having to go to lubbock and lack fo sleep and homesick PLUS a heavy dose of preggo hormones was not a pretty concoction. but alhdamulilah it couldve been worse i guess. dang, i meant to post up ultrasound pictures but enevr had the time or memory to do so. i even took pictures of my positive test. oh wait thats somehting have to tell you about…

so i noticed some strange symptoms and took a test for the heck of it -totally expected it to be negative because ive had more convincing syptoms with a negative so surely not this time, right? wrong. when the second pink link appeared my jaw hit to the floor. then i laughed for ten mins straight. i laughed and laughed and laughed. i dotn know why but i couldnt stop laughing. then i made sujood and thanked Allah for the gift/blessing and prayed for healthy pregnancy and baby. then i took pictures of that sucker! which ill upload sooner or later. i took another one two days later jst to be sure i didnt use a faulty test or something and that second line appeared faster and darker than the first time. doctors appointment confirmed it about two weeks later, so i was officially pregnant.

and ya knwo what? i actually wanted kids for a long time….for like two years…if youve read any of my baby woes under ooh beh-beh over on the side bar, you’d know the kind of psycho i am. it wasnt fertlity issues, just plain ol’ timing. it was never the right time to even think about starting a family much less trying. THEN IT HAPPENED ON ITS OWN!!! boooo-yeaaaaa! so i was beyond ecstatic when it happened out fo the blue because it was like Allah’s timing which is the best timing, therefore i/we wouldnt have had to worry about whether we shouldve waited or not. ya knwo what i mean?

oh and its a boy! shoot, at the end of the day all i can ask for is a healthy baby, but i always wanted a boy first-alhamdulilah.

other news include other stuff i cant remember because i guess it wasnt important enough. honestly my head is still wrapped up around today. OH YEAH! i’ll tell you what happened today after i explain about july 17, which is one of my favorite days…and it’ll makes sense about today.

so i was talking a class durign summer II and hubz and i were talking about him transfering school but how much longer than would take if he had to finish this semester -blah blah blah. then i was in class that day and wanting -almost needing- lasagna so picked up ingrediants after class and was thinking about how funny it would be if my husband decided to just drop this semester and come home..infact i was imagining him coming off the plane and runnign to the nearest cab and stuff. anyways i was in the kitchen putting on final touches when i heard the front door open. it couldve been my dad who sometimes comes hoem early, but rarely at 1pm. i peered around the kitchen door and no one walked in but the door was opened a crack. classic way my husband opens the door to give S some time to put on a hijab if shes in the living room. but no way it could be him, right? WRONG. i opened the door and hubby was right there!!!!!!!!!!! i was shocked but totally unsurprised at the same time. why? because butthead wasnt picking up or returning any of my calls and completely dissappeard for two days! two days!!!!! do you knwo what kind of paranoia that spirals me into!?!?!? you have no idea! and my thing is that i assume the worst, so i was literally wanting to throw up with worry. but my calmer side felt like he was up to someting. he told me he was going to finalize everythign AND THEN come home…which wouldve been about a week to two weeks from when we talked about it. then he shows he shows up two days later?! it made also made sense to me why he didnt want me to -practically made me swear that i wouldnt-call the airlines to change his time for him and that he would do it himself which considering everythign i do for him is rare.

and omg, thank Allah i decided to shave and be all nice and smooth that night before- just for the heck of it! lol anyways it was amazing to see him again and a month sooner than originally planned. so he was here from july 17 til today, sep 1. now hes gone again, but not to school. hes taking this semester off to take a much need and loooooooooooooooooong awaited (like 13 years) trip to ethiopia to see his parents. he needs to do this, which i think is understandable on any level. nonetheless we havent mastered this whole seperation deal too well and it was immensely difficult to say good bye-again. although this trip is a happy one, it wouldve been ideal if we both went. BUT THANKS TO THAT ETERNAL INSTITUTIONAL HELLHOLE (School) i couldnt. not during next summer either. not even next year or two. this was the one window he had and id be damned before i let him miss this oppurtunity to see his parents. how selfish and just plain evil would that be? so although i wish so badly we couldve gone together, its more important for him to go atleast by himself than not at all. besides im not supposed to be taking 22 hour flights at 6 months along.

so he left today and took my heart with him. and i still have his here with me. inshaAllah i cant wait until i see him again and he can help me roll my whale like body by then whenever i need to change positions while sleeping. darn i cant call him as “regularly” (if you call every couple of nights and every night if the planets aligned perectly) as when he was at school, but inshaAllah he said he’ll get a phoen as soon as he gets there.

ugh. i hate sleeping alone.

i have to get my mind off of this. i need to focus. the less i think about it, the better i can function.

atleast i still have some of his clothes here – i will be sniffing those.

dang im a beast. im hungry again, but i just ate. i need to find some heavy duty carbs or something to keep me full for longer than 20 -30 mins. but anythign for my booooshie-woooshie-litttle-sweeeeeety. the hardest part is having an apetite for anythign when you dont want to eat but your stomach hurts because its empty.

oh yeah! ramadan mubarak internet! i cant believe its been a year. and uh, yeah, i wont be fasting this year. id rather make up 30 days than to starve my little pumpkin.

hmmmm.. what else? i cant think of anything else. infact i should be sleeping considering my full day of classes tomorrow. so im going to hit the sack now….alone…BUT IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT! nah anha nahanahanahanahan…blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

ok now that my spasm is over with, good night!

Wow. Super duper long time no see dear blog of mine. But I have a reason. Two words -Lubbock, Tx. So it’s been three weeks since I arrived and I honestly forgot about you and whenever I remember to post something…I fall asleep, since they didn’t really schedule in any sleep for us, but plenty of busy work type of things. Nonetheless alhamdulilah I’m thankful and …stuff.

Anyways the one thing I love most about being here for this program is meeting all these cool people I wouldn’t have otherwise met -most likely. There’s this one muslimah (sweet…I’m not totally lonely) and a brother; they’re both awesome. In general I feel pretty connected with most of them and I know I’ll miss them when it’s all over in three weeks.

I’ve popped, but I’ll explain what that means later -hahaha.

One thing that brings me down like no other here in this little city is the lack of iman on my part. Someone told me that it’s super easy for you to just drop it like its hot when it comes to your iman, not matter how much you think you can handle it -he was right. I thought it would be cool and yo, I even have another muslimah (we’ll call her missy) here and we’re going to chill and be together for everything so it’s cool right? Wrong. I haven’t seen or even heard of a masjid here and I think missy and I are are “cultural” as it gets with some scarf thing around our heads and weird long dresses, but whatever. I really miss Houston’s phenomenal muslim community and I’m definitely starving for some of Sheik Zubeir’s lectures. Dang it, I wish they were podcasted. Anyways…inshaAllah only three more weeks. Keep me in your duaas.

Other news include the graduation of my little sister from high school. She will be officially “legal” in a month or so and it kind of freaks me out because I never think about her age and when I realize she’s older I want her to stop growing up so fast. Atleast E (other little sister) has something like 13 years to go before she’s anywhere near college aged.

It’s been a month and some days since the hubmister left and it has gotten easier -well the busy schedule does wonders to help with that, but I still wish I could see him. We talk for about 10-20 min every night right around the time we’re both too exhausted to hold a real conversation so we listen to other breath or just fall asleep…although he’s fallen asleep on me more times than I have on him -butthead.

I miss my family and friends, but I really like the people I’ve meet here. It’s going to be interesting when it’s time to leave. I kind of wish we could all just stay together somehow.

Anyhow I’m pooped and hitting the sack. I’ll update whenever I can.

thought I should catch up on this ol’ blog of mine.

I don’t really have any major news, just everyday ramblings. Alhamdulilah today I got to visit/help a dear dear friend of mine and we got plenty accomplished as far as her to do list. She brewed some Arab coffee for me in the morning (which is probably why I can’t sleep right now)  and when we returned from where we had to go she presented a delicious lunch as we chit-chatted about everything. I loved spending some time with her and, most importantly, to see her doing so much better than even just last week.

I went home to find S doing some domestic work, which is as rare as finding a 100 dollars in your pocket. But she did it to make mommah happy and I thought it was pretty sweet. Speaking of sweet, homegirl even baked a carrot cake for after dinner. Our own little Miss Betty Crocker in all.

So today marks the one week “anniversary” since hubmister left and alhdamulilah him and I are taking it better than I thought we would. Of course I rather be with him right here and right now, but I think we’re just getting used to the circumstances. Besides there’s so much going on, it keeps us busy. At least we talk as often as when he was here, so not everything is completely different. He’s forever my most super duper greatest bestest favorite beanhead with the greatest smile in the whole world alhamdulilah.

And I still sniff his clothes -which I plan to take to Lubbock with me this Sunday.

Dang it, I just realized I have to complete a safety training thing before this weekend. I hate these safety training lessons. When I was working at Baylor I spent four hour for three days watching the same un-updated cornyvideos from high school and my labs. I nearly passed out in boredom and bribed myself to make it through the “training”. I take bribes very well. Yes, yes I do.

I don’t think I’m even going to pack until Saturday. WOW! One thing I’m really excited about is the plan ride! The last time I flew in an airplane (besides just popping out my wings and taking off) was five to six years ago when a herd of classmates and I traveled to Bethesda, Maryland/Washington DC. I swore I would live in Bethesda one day although everything is nearly twice as expensive as lil’ ol’ Houston. But it is a gorgeous city with birds chirping beautiful songs very morning to gently wake you from your nightly slumber. The air was clean and you didn’t smell the pollutants of everyday waste. Oh, and people are friendly, like “Oh no, your car is in the shop? Please have the keys to my bran new car. No, no I insist.” Well not that nice, but you get the point. Folks are Friendly with a capital F.

Ack, I don’t feel so good anymore. I had Chipotle for dinner and something hasn’t been sitting with me ever since. It’s like this mild burning sensation in the back of throat and nose. Is this what heartburn feels like? I feel like I might vomit fire or something…

Nonetheless, I’m just going to sleep on it. InshaAllahI won’t wake up in a pool of gastrointestinal juice.

Ha. How disgusting.

Well the one single event/day I had been trying to avoid  has finally come and gone - May 5, 2008. It’s not really the day exactly, I never do anything for cinco the mayo, in fact I don’t even know what the date is for most of the year, but this year is drastically different.

On Monday evening my husband left for school in a different country. And believe me, if there was anyway I could’ve gone with him I would’ve -even it meant that I pack myself in his suitcase and surprise him there. But for so many reasons and too many details I simply couldn’t go and it drives me crazy.

It’s been two days since he left and I don’t know how I’m going to take it for the next four months because I already feel like it’s been four months. Although he’ll be back in August for about two weeks, he’ll head back for another four months and continue the cycle for a year and a half.

 I think I’m going to die.

SubhanAllah. Maybe you don’t understand. We’ve never been away from one another for more than two days, maybe three, maximum. But four months at a time?!!? Oh. my. Allah. My brain still hasn’t registered that he’s an ocean away. I feel like he’ll come home for dinner or walk through the door any minute and say he was just kidding about the whole school-in-a-different-country thing. I keep waiting to wake up, but I doubt I will.

He left on Monday evening and we wasted the whole day trying to settle some last minute technicalities here and there and before we knew it, it was time for him to head to the airport. It really felt surreal. In all honesty I was hoping for him to change his mind. To say that he doesn’t want to go anymore. To just not go. But I know it’s better in the long run; it’s for us and our family, so he really didn’t have a choice. But dang, this is not fun. It’s not fun AT ALL. I am going to whine and cry like a baby about this because gosh darn it, I love the man and I can’t stand to be away from him. Perhaps it’s immature of me, but I don’t care. It’s not like I express my feelings to everyone and cry in public about things anyways, so I think to rant here is basically my right, almost my obligation since keeping it all in will turn out really really ugly.

Like I’ve mentioned before I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and my mom could tell I missed him tremendously. Yesterday she gave me about four random hugs throughout the day and rubbed my headache like I was a little girl again. Actually she’s taking it pretty badly herself. He’s really her only son (in law, but whatever, we don’t use “in law” terms- family is family) and she’s worried about him.

When I got home from our goodbyes I cried at everything that reminded me of him -which was everything. He used to like to eat with this fork or is it that fork? It doesn’t matter, he usually preferred a fork! Waaaaaaaaah. That sort of thing.

I normally smell his clothes because, well, a) I love the way he smells and b) I just do that sort of thing. So this time I sniffed so hard my lungs should’ve exploded. Then I realized that I might inhale all of his scent at once and there won’t be enough to last until he comes back and decided to ration it out until August.

Am I crazy?

I’m not too proud to admit that I am. Maybe even a little obsesive.

That night I slept alone on my new firm pillow which wasn’t a big deal since I’ve slept alone before when he used to work overnight, but he would always be there when I woke up.  When he wasn’t partially snoring away next to me the morning after, it all become too real. Like I woke up to a really bad dream…that wasn’t a dream. To make matters worse, internet connection and cell phone service is pretty much a lucky if you have it, too bad if you don’t kind of thing where he is. But alhamdulilah he got someone to install a home phone, so at least I can talk to him when he’s in his apartment.

Goodness, I’m always a wreck when he leaves for a small trip or when I don’t see him for days, but my heart feels heavy and I’m not interested or excited about anything anymore. It’s been pretty hard for him too. It would be unfair to say that he’s having it easy when he’s actually struggling to get settled in and constantly stressed, just add the absence of a loving support system (in terms of being physically there) and I think it’s a recipe for disaster. But alhamdulilah he’s a survivor. And deeply loved.

Over the last couple of days I realized that I’m really going to be far too busy to even think how much things suck right now, so inshaAllah it will be August in no time. Time flies when you’re busy, right? And that’s exactly what I plan to do -stay really really busy. Oh, and try to be optimistic and not focus of the negative blah blah blah.

I just want him home.

Honestly I still get really angry when I think about our friends who live their lives normally and most importantly -together. We have friends who get to venture through undergraduate school and graduate school at the same time so they are in the same place in life and others who are out of school and beginning to build their families. But I feel like my husband and I just hit barrier after barrier. Alhamdulilah we have plenty to be thankful for, but I’m a pretty selfish and sometimes pessimistic person, okay? I just want us to move out and live normal freakin’ lives. I don’t want us to be separated for a year and half. I don’t want to still be at my parent’s house for another million years. I’m tired of people thinking that we’re not officially married-married because we don’t live on our own (actually I don’t care about this anymore, but I’m tired of the “so when are you moving out again?” question). I hate that no matter how I plan out my academic schedule for the next two years, I will not be able to see the hubzman for a year minimum.

But I need to keep in mind that most of our friends are married to people their own age and come from well off families. Hubz and I are three years apart and four years apart academically, so we will never be in the same stage in life, whereas most of our friends are. We just happen to get married before my senior year in high school and his junior year in college -so duh, we didn’t have money. And both of our families are immigrants with us being the first college/graduate school bound generation. I need to remember that we’re on a totally different stage in our lives than our friends, but it still makes twitch with frustration.

Ugh, I really don’t think I have the patience or strength to be handle this upcoming year of events (plenty of other stuff I have yet to mention), but Allah doesn’t give you more than what you can bare, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself. That and “after hardship comes ease” because I am really really REALLY looking forward to the “ease” part inshaAllah.

In reality I would love to show my I’m-sick-and-tired-of-everything face and not have people ask me what’s wrong because there is literally only one person that I feel comfortable talking about stuff to aside from my husband. And she’s in an entirely different state.

askhfowihldkshlalkgfdkjhsaifudhslkdha

And I know that things could be worse and alhamdulilah they’re not. But is it wrong to wish for things to not suck so much all the time? I mean, I hardly complain about anything to anyone and I feel guilty complaining even here, but it’s relieving to just say this all stinks -badly.

Anyhow as I mentioned the hubz will be back in August inshaAllah and when he is back, don’t expect to hear from me or see me (for those who do). I will not be available even for emergencies. Fend for yourself.

Ha!

Alhamdulilah, all praise due to Allah who has ended finals season and has let summer “vacation” begin. Man, I am sooo relieved that all of my finals are over with. I had my last one yesterday actually, but I was far too lazy to write about anything although there’s so much to talk about.

I don’t know how I used to make a post every single day and sometimes several posts within the same day; I think my record was five or six in one day. Now I forget I even have this ol’ internet journal of mine. Anyways, back to what’s going on.

My aunt is due with baby number five in about a month. I’m really excited because the youngest right now is two and half and throwing those terrible two tantrums, but gosh darn it he is so unbelievably adorable I can’t even think about being angry with him. Besides he really is a good kid overall. Anyway I read on one of my favorite blogs that baby breath smells really good. No, not that toddler breath that never smells quite right, I mean like newborn or infant breath. So that’s one more reason I’m looking forward to the new baby in the family. I’m going to get a nice whiffof his/her (my aunt never finds out the gender until its born -I just wouldn’t be able to do that) baby breath and write about it.

But unfortunately I won’t be around for the birth. In fact I won’t be able to see the baby until he’s/she’s about a month old since I’ll be in Lubbock for six weeks. For a vacation? Yeah right. Who goes to Lubbock, Texas for a vacation? I feel like most cities in Texas aside from the major ones like Houston and Dallas are pretty much dead, like Waco. With a giant haystack just rolling on by in the middle of the quiet ghost town. Or like College Station where the most exciting place is the college bookstore. Yay. Not.

But Lubbock’s not like that and I know this only because I checked out their CITY WEBSITE. I didn’t know city’s had websites. I wonder if Houston does. Anyways it seems like a normal bustling city with sky scrappers and freeways and stuff. So I guess I won’t have to milk any cows or saddle any horses, but I know I’ll be worked to the bone with the intensive summer program the folks at Texas Tech have lined up for us (a group of young adults from all over the state).

So I head off for this place in two weeks and in all honesty, maybe this sounds ungrateful because I know some people who would love to be able to go, but I am not looking forward to it 100%. At this point with the difficulty in getting the information to us and lack of more information we need, I feel like it’s kind of a mess over there. Like things aren’t completely organized. But that’s just part of my reason. The bigger reason is something I don’t want to get  into right now because it’s an entirely different post. But for the record I am happy about going, at least it’s something to do for six weeks, but on the other hand it’s a painful reminder. Ack, that’s te last time I’m going to mention that.

This Saturday my sister and I are going to meet with a couple of friends for an end of finals BBQ. I’m looking forward to it. The hostess came up with a great idea actually. Instead of just having a mindless good time and shooting drinks out of our nose from laughing so hard, she wants each person to prepare a breif five minute halaqa about something we care about and share it with everyone. What a great idea, huh?!!? Of course I’m not going to prepare for it until the day of the par-tay because that’s just my style, yo. After Islam, procrastination can be a way of life. I’m living proof of that.

Hmm, other news include just includes how ridiculously busy I’m going to be this summer, which is why I put vacation in quotation marks at the beginning of this post. I really want to just run away sometimes and travel the world on my time and do whatever I want without any obligations. I think people like Jeff Corwin and some others I can’t think of right now have the coolest jobs ever. I mean, this guy gets to travel the world, talk about it, preserve wildlife, share it with the world, do something he absolutely loves, make a real difference, AND GET PAID FOR IT! How awesome. I know he obviously had to work really hard to get to where he is right now, but boy oh boy his rewards are pretty sweet.

Anyways I’m getting a headache again. I’ve been plagued with headaches for the last couple of weeks and I have found yet another wonderful drug – Tylenol extra strength rapid release gels. Wow does it keep it’s promise. I really do feel my headaches  dissipate within a couple of minutes. Ah, I love over the counter drugs.

But I’m no junkie.

I’ll post other news later on.

So it’s been a while since I’ve made a real post about what’s going in my world, but as I stated earlier, it is finals season after all. But I can’t focus right now so I though I’d stop by here…my internet abode where I can be a total dufas and not really care…kind of.

AlhamdulilahI just finished a conversation with a really good friend of mine who got married and is now expecting a bundle of joy. I love her oodles to bits and I’m sincerely, genuinely, whole heartedly, truly, truly, truly, happy for her and that she has everything she’s always wanted.

I love her.

When I talk to friends of mine who I see evolve and form this new and exciting life I admit I tend to compare what’s going on in my own life and from experience I can tell you that it’s a debilitating habit to develop -comparing yourself, your life, your things, your world -anything. Not to mention it’s an easy gateway for shaytaan to settle in and cause a plethora of other troubles. Although I’m so happy for my dear sister I found myself examining what’s going with me and I had the nerve to be angry and a little depressed. I snapped out of it quickly because subhanAllah I have so much that I need to be grateful for and things that I don’t even realize are major blessings in my life that I was really being just plain stupid for being upset with the set of cards life dealt me.

But I’ve always had this problem of comparing myself to others and in my mind I was never the better of the two, which spiraled me into a deep state of anxiety and horrible self esteem when I was in high school and still tries to wrap me up in it’s unpleasant cycle of self hate and unworthiness today. Although I’m older and alhamdulilah finally out of those agonizing teen-aged years, I can feel the familiar negative mentality creeping in every now and then. But it was and still is never obvious to anyone, even my closest of closest friends. In high school I confined in my high school councilor who I will always be grateful for getting me through my internal demons and in the end helped me realize that I was capable of anything if I believed in myself for a change.

On the outside I have a certain nothing-can-get-in-my-way-of-anything attitude whereas internally I constantly fight myself to believe it. It’s just a really weird plague that overcame me during high school. Maybe it was the overly competitive atmosphere or the lack of family support. I know it was a deadly tonic of a lot of things that were going on during that time from feeling like I was not smart enough to compete with the brainiacs of my class to my family’s own civil wars- yeah I meant that in plural.

And I realize that there are people who are suffering and dealing with far far far worse than anything that I’ve faced in my lifetime. Yes, I realize and remind myself that I’m not one of my many brothers and sisters dying everyday in Palestine or that I haven’t lost all of my family to the terrorist/genocidal Janjaweed group and continuously gang raped like practically all of my precious sisters in Darfur. I know. And I pray to Allah everyday that they received His mercy and reward for all of their misery here in this life.

Considering all realms of reality I am one lucky duck, but I still have my own reality and in that realm, I have my own demons. So alhdamulilah I’m grateful that my troubles are like the majority of people’s -not fatal. It’s my struggle with myself.

Alhamdulilah I’m an analytical person. At least I can step back from a situation to examine what’s really at stake and I don’t lie to myself about what’s at the heart of an issue so I can come to a real honest to God solution. I don’t sugar coat my feelings when it comes to my life because Allah knows I can’t live a lie or keep quiet if something is bothering me. I know it’s not a good thing, but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve; all it takes is to have a  good look at my eyes and you can tell something is wrong. It’ll come out one way or another. And I’m thankful for that.

I’m reminded of something one of my all time favorite sheiks said once. During one of his classes, he stated that jihad of the nafs is a life long struggle. That you can not win within one, two, or even a million lifetimes. It’s forever. When he said that so many things suddenly made sense to me. Why I make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Why I try to do better, be better, but always feel like a failure. Why I can’t seem to overcome the negitive and focus on the positive. I wanted to scream out ” OH MY GOD. YES, YOU ARE SOO FREAKIN’ RIGHT!” but I just stared in awe at him like he was some tree of eternal wisdom or something.

There are a lot of things that I am incredibly ashamed of doing and coutless things, moments, and times I regret and ask forgiveness for. But I accepted them as my mistakes, big or small and I can’t always hate myself for actually growing up and learning my own lessons.

I feel better to know that I’m trying -at least trying- if anything to overcome my nafs and that I finally realized it’s really just a part of life. Most importantly, I’m learning that it’s only Allah I can rely on. Not my husband. Not my parents. Not my family. Not my friends. No one. Everyone I know or a part of my life is a means for Allah mercy and blessings for me, but at the end of the day, at the end of my life, it is only He who can and has helped me. Alhamdulilah He has answered too many of my duaas and calmed too many of my fears and troubles to make me doubt that He isn’t there for me as long as I go to Him. I love my Rabb and I fear Him, but most importantly I’m thankful I have a relationship with Him.

So yeah I still have my demons and I may have some of them for the rest of my life, but I’m learning. Although sometimes I still think I’m just a pile poop, I’m working on it.

And that’s what matters.

So the upcoming week(s) will be third exams/finals time and that means I’ll be away -as if I’ve been posting regularly anyway.

Therefor this is my excused absence for the next couple of days/week.

good news- the semester is almost over which means I’m closer to my graduation…in two years aka so long from now.

bad news- its that pimple sprouting grumpy irritating I can’t wait to be done with school time of year again…finals.